begging, begging please

I've had this song stuck in my head for days now. Maybe that's why I'm crying so much. In any case, here's a beautiful recording of it.

these dreams under my pillow

"It was so beautiful. Words just can't describe or explain.. You were curled up in my lap with your head against my chest. I was holding you like this, with my arms wrapped around you, and it was so comfortable and perfect.. I would sleep sitting up on this couch right here just to have you in my arms like that every single night. I looked down while you slept, and you looked so peaceful - you have the face of an angel - and I thought, 'Wow, this is it - this is what it's all about. This is happiness in its truest and purest form. This, THIS moment, this is what it feels like to be happy.' It was just so beautiful, Marissa. I wish I could explain it. Nothing can compare."


I found joy again. It's the best feeling in the whole world, even if it can't be forever.

Stupid.

Stupid girl,
traditional broken heart,
LOST LOVE.
           Your stupidity stumps me.
           Utilizing your stupid, sly tactics,
You stupefied this stupid fucking soul.

Myself, so stupid.
Starting to summarize my stupid existence,
into a stupid surreal setting,
                               sleeping sound, Dreaming Sweetly,
           on some stupid silent island.

Our stupid crooked hearts,
beating smooth echoes across our stupid secret sanctuary,
staying satisfied with I, this stupid stump of matter.
You laying on my stupid chest,
   Stupid arms surrounding this body:
                     Your Being.


In stupid paradise,
late in some stupid hour,
                    just staring, stupid,
                             rooted,
                    watching you exhale.


"Stupid is as stupid does."


                         "Stupid will always be as stupid was."


Senseless stupid fantasy,
stupid stained stone throne,
supporting your stupid flesh,
saying your stupid story,
stupid ears, listening.
        Saying stupid goodbyes,
        Starting stupid plans
       about staying side-by-side,
Us both forgetting about your stupid HOPE.
       Stumbling inside stupid stupor,
       STUPID, STUCK.

Stupid images of stupid Eden,
       in my head.
Stupid self-righteous walls and ceilings,
submerged in stupid sticky blood.

YOUR STUPID FACE,
  stuck in space,
that STUPID FACE orbiting my stupid mind.
Sitting stupidly still synchronizing two destinies.

Seven stupid years into your stupid fucking marriage,
sex with some stupid someone
Saying 1-4-3,
    to someone you don't hardly know.
Stupid me,
                   stupid suicide.


So stupid,
     stupidly seeing you slip,
     through my stupid fingers.
SUCH STUPID LOVE CANNOT EXIST FOR STUPID ME.
                    Stupid words stupidly said.











This was written for/about me in 2008 while I was at Warren Wilson and I was getting quite ill... physically and in the head. I am the stupid girl. The seven years into marriage line is really the only bit that doesn't make sense to me still. He's a good writer, it's sad he was so mean to me. He wrote some beautifully sweet things about me, too, so I can't pretend this is all I ever heard/read. I just found it in my room and thought I'd share.

there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Happy birthday, big sister. I hope you're happy and healthy now like you were on this birthday.
I miss you so much.
And, of course, I always love you.
<3

This new layout blows cock

I'm so tired. Physically, mentally. I would say emotionally but I'm pretty sure I'm all out of those. Or they're just stuffed down low because whenever I need to or want to or try to express them, someone's telling me, "shhh," and "you need to calm down," and "it's not a big deal, there's no reason to freak out, Marissa."
I was calm until you started telling me to be quiet. And yeah, there IS reason to freak out when you won't let me finish my fucking sentence.

All I was trying to say was that I don't like people reminding me of how sick my sister was.
All I was trying to say is that I've been having bad dreams and I'm tired and it makes me that much more frustrated with my school work.
All I was trying to do was verbalize how fucking disgusting and fat and ugly I feel lately so that I don't keep internalizing it and dwelling on it and continue letting it pull me down.

Cutting me off and telling me to calm down when I'm expressing my thoughts in relation to my sister is probably the dumbest thing you can do. Yes, I raise my voice so that I can finish what I'm saying over your shushing. How dare you? How FUCKING dare you, especially when I've said at least 10 times in the last week that I'm going through a tough time with her absence right now? You probably weren't listening, or you just don't think it's that big of a deal...?
Telling me to "oh, just shut up straight A student" when I'm stressed out doesn't make anything better. It just makes me want to punch you in the fucking nose.
Rolling your eyes at me when I'm trying to tell you things that I don't tell almost anyone any more, like how horrible my body image has been for about a month (well, particularly bad for about a month. it's been generally bad for.... about a year now) and how frustrating it is to have my day-to-day life dictated by how I think my body looks... yeah fuck you for that. Rolling of the eyes, the sigh, and the, "You're NAWWWWTTTT FAT!" is a sure fire way to push me away. Telling me to calm down when I yell back, "I know I'm not! You think I don't know that? I'm not saying I AM FAT, I'm saying I SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DO and I FEEL disgusting and IT'S IN MY HEAD" (of course I never get that far in that statement due to the, "okay, okay, I know, I know, calm down) doesn't make me any less anxious or ready to get out of sweat pants and pull the blanket back off my head.
Shushing me and wrapping your arms around me, literally restraining me, when I start to cry because I'm so upset (and you're the one who pushed that over the edge to tears) will make me want to scream. If you don't fucking let me speak AND you don't let me go, I will scream.
Getting annoyed when I cry... Jeez, I'm sorry I inconvenience you so. I just have no other way to let out the SHIT festering inside of me since no.one.will.just.fucking.listen.to.me.
 And people wonder how I managed to give myself an ulcer.

Oh! Oh! And my favorite part is when I specifically say, "I cannot talk right now I have a lot of work to do," and you think that means that you can keep chewing my ear off and blowing my fucking phone/skype/facebook up. QUIT IT. Then maybe I won't bitch so much about how overwhelmed I am with school because I'll get something done for once.


I have so much studying to do and I'm getting up in less than six hours.
Fuck.



FOR THE RECORD, the "you" being addressed in this entry is a bunch of different people depending on the circumstance. Some of them apply to multiple "you"s. Just sayin, don't think too hard on who I'm yelling at via blogger because I can't yell at them in person :)

ALSO FOR THE RECORD, when I say that no one will fucking listen to me, I mean no one will really hear me. I know people listen, I never shut the fuck up. Truly hearing me, though.. different thing entirely.

Mah Boyz

In honor of Levon Helm, may he rest in peace, the kiddos from Cry Fire played The Weight at their show last night at Club Cafe. Though Nathaniel's face is constantly blocked out, you get his pretty voice. I was right by a speaker, so I apologize for the shit sound quality - usually my iPod videos are great for sound. But I thought this was cute anyway :)

PS- moma, THIS is the song I was trying to remember the name of that Zach always karaokes and changes "Fanny" to "Leslie." haha adorable

some days are better, and then some nights are worse

Today would have been 3 years.
My lower abdomen is causing me excruciating pain right now.
I haven't been able to stop crying since I got up.
All of these statements are completely unrelated.
I hate today.

I would vomit up my life if I could.