I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

Considering the cold front that came through early today, walking class has been cancelled for the week. That leaves me with no class until 2:30 PM today or Thursday.

I stayed out til about 10 last night with Kellyn and her beau, Dustin, then went straight to sleep upon returning to my room.. I didn't even brush my teeth.

I had my alarms on my phone set for 9:18, 9:33, and 10, but I woke up on my own in the 8 o'clock hour.

I drifted back to sleep between alarms and Lizi's godforsaken Christian music. Why she wasn't in class, I'm not sure, but I wish she had been.

I obviously didn't need to be in bed or sleeping anymore, but every time I left my eyes open, I'd start crying. So I forced myself to continue drifting until almost 10:30 when Jacob started texting me.

I laid flat, weeping for a little, then I decided that I needed all of the four hours I had until class to get up and ready if I was in such a condition.

I sat up. I cried. I felt like if I moved from my bed, it was going to be the death of me.

I looked around me. A shitty apple from the cafeteria on my dirty window sill, my Steelers lamp still on from last night, a candy wrapper beneath my water bottle. Dust.. so much dust in this room.

I felt disgusting, like I was lying in my filth, but I couldn't get myself out of it, either. This went on for about ten more minutes until I finally stood up and got my medicine from its box, but I immediately felt relief upon sitting back down on my bed.

I didn't know I'd had any anxiety until I felt relief from it. That worried me, and I didn't move again until I needed to pee and nicotine withdrawal was finally getting to me.

I don't know what's up with me today.

I do know that I really don't want to go to a 6 PM class in this weather.

It'd be ballerific if my teacher decided she didn't want to have class at 6 PM in this weather and cancelled this week's meeting.

I've found that lately, my only comfort and escape from anything is food and sleep. I tend to want an escape from food, so sleep has been high on my priority list. Most of the time, though, I can't control it... my body knows I need an escape before my brain does, and I'm just so tired all the time. I've been requiring about 9 hours of sleep a night the last few weeks, and when I can get more, I take it.

I feel like I'm wasting my life.

you keep hanging around me & I'm not so glad you found me

I had a nightmare last night for the first time in a long time.

I know I've posted before about having "nightmares," but this was different.

It was not just a bad dream that I remember in far too much detail; it was a legitimate, wake up kind of scared/sad/confused, covered in sweat & wanting to vomit, can't really remember anything but a drug-related them & the image of my mother crying, 100% legitimate nightmare.

I'm in a kind of daze now, and my head hurts.

I wasn't planning on getting up until around now (6:30 - 6:45), but I got up at 5:30 anyway.. I really saw no point in going back to sleep.

I'm scared... of a lot of things.. some of which I'm aware of, most of which I can't really explain.

I'm tired. So tired. Not sleepy, just.... exhausted.

My roommate's finally starting to get on my nerves a little. She hasn't done a damn thing wrong or even differently than she ever has before, but I have the urge to punch her & it makes me feel really guilty.

and if I haven't made this clear before, I miss my sister.

I'm so tired.

Sleep. Don’t weep,
my sweet love.
Your face, it's all wet.
And your day was rough.
So do what you must do
to find yourself.
Wear another shoe.
Paint my shelf.
There's times that I was broke
when you stood strong.
I think I’ve found a place
Where I …

Sleep. Don’t weep,
my sweet love.
Your face, it's all wet
'cause our days were rough.
So do what you must do
to fill that hole.
Wear another shoe
to comfort the soul.
There's times that I was broke
when you stood strong.
I think I’ve found a place
where I feel I will…

Sleep. Don’t weep,
my sweet love.
My face, it's all wet
'cause my day was rough.
So do what you must do
to find yourself.
Wear another shoe.
Paint my shelf.
There's times that I was broke
when you stood strong.
I hope I find a place
where I feel I… belong

Sleep. Don’t weep,
My sweet love.
My face it's all wet
'cause my day was rough.

Don't weep, my sweet love.
My face, it's all wet
'cause my days are rough...

Progress

Today I went and hung out with Kellyn for three hours instead of writing out my econ exams' study sheets or reading for Classicism. I really don't know if I've stopped my school work mid-week to just have some time with my friend(s) this semester, last semester, or the one before that even. I was saying something at Spiderhouse, and Kellyn said, "Let me just stop you right there, and we're going to have a toast," as she raises her Lone Star, "to Kelsey." I clicked my coffee cup hard against her beer glass & took a huge gulp.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had just swigged a decent amount of hot beverage, but I felt warmth inside. I felt true, unfamilial love and understanding between us, which almost immediately gave way to a calming sensation that can't be matched.

I've rarely felt so refreshed when there's so much school work sitting, unfinished, on my lap.

I need more times like that one.

And, to top off a good day, I'm eating Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese for the first time since I was probably 8-years-old. I've been so scared of how delicious and rich it is, but tonight, I don't care. Rarely do I not care or dwell upon the fat content I put into my mouth.

I feel... different. It kind of scares me. I kind of really like it.

It's hard to remember to live before you die

I'm unequivocally depressed right now.

Depressed isn't the right word.

I feel ephemeral tonight. Quickly disappearing; transient.

I don't know why.

I felt awkward, for lack of a better word, and entirely alone, so I got some homework together and went to the cafeteria for dinner. But I could barely eat or get any homework done.

I was just.. dazed. In a noisy, crowded place, all I could hear was muffled conversation and laughter; I couldn't make out words even for eavesdropping entertainment.

I felt entirely disconnected -- I was not in that cafeteria with all those people, I was in a cloud.. I was surrounded by fog, blurred, invisible, disconnected.

I left. I've been slow to move ever since.

I've been wanting to -- no, NEEDING to cry, but I'm emotionless. I can feel an internal ache, but my affect is totally flat.. it's just vanished.

I stand in one place, staring, empty-minded, for minutes at a time without realizing it. I snap out of it due to my upstairs neighbors stomping or some cunts being loud in the hall/stairway, and then I'm just confused.. What am I doing? Why am I standing here? What am I supposed to be doing? What was I just thinking?

I would think I'm losing my mind, but I don't feel crazy...

I don't feel anything.

"My hell comes from inside - comes from inside myself.

Why fight this?"

I Miss Your Love

I've always heard that being an only child sucks cock.

It does.

I don't know if my hatred for being an only child is legit, though, because I used to know what it was to not be an only child.

I think that's what makes it so hard. I was not an only child until I was 20-years-old. A year and a half later, I still fucking hate it more than anything.

It's not the being the only child thing I hate, it's the fact that my only sister is dead, and that's the reason I'm an only child. I think if I'd been one all along, I'd have led an entirely different life, and in such a case, I may or may not despise it so much.

But knowing what it is to have a sibling, a single sibling, a sibling of the same sex, a best friend that no one else will ever replace: that's what makes this so unbearable.

I miss my sister.

So much better than homework

I've been making flyers for Kellyn's band for her. I'm really happy with this one:

hahahahaha

since so many people read this..

HEY EVERYONE!!

Go see my kickass friend & her kickass band play at Spiderhouse every other Sunday from 4 - 6 PM!

Or..

check them (and some sweet clothes) out at Blue Velvet every Sunday at 8 PM!

*Notice: the Fractals are taking a two week break from Blue Velvet shows effective this coming Sunday.. so, don't go for two weeks.

EDIT:

The Fractals are no more.

Don't try and go to their shows.