I LUFF THIS GIRL - MY TRUEST FRIEND

Pretty, Pretty Please

If I have one more nightmare, I'm going to shoot myself in the fucking face.
Devil: GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
I fell asleep last night crying on Jacob's chest. Literally.
Night before that, I woke myself multiple times crying in my sleep. Pretty sure I woke dad, too.
I hate this shit. I'm so fucking over this town. I want out NOW.

We (Jacob, Ariane, her beau Andrew, and myself) went to get Chinese food last night from Ho-Ho on Parmer & Lamar. I didn't even think about the fact that Lamar is past Metric when driving down Parmer from Jacob's condo. It's very difficult for me to even be on Parmer east of MoPac, and I cannot drive through the Parmer/Metric intersection without having a panic attack. We were stopped at the red light before crossing MoPac & I asked Jacob if we had to cross Metric. He said yes. I crinkled my eyebrows and tried to stifle the oncoming tears, but I couldn't stop them. I took some xanax. As soon as we crossed MoPac, I pulled my knees up to my chest and blocked my eyes until we got to Lamar. When we'd picked up the food, Jacob pulled out of the parking lot and didn't get in the turn lane to go back down Parmer. Ariane & Andrew asked him where he was going; why was he getting on I-35? He answered very nonchalant, "Oh, I was just going to go up to 183." A tear formed and that ball rose in my throat as I choked out a quiet, "Thank you." I grabbed his hand and held it tight with my face resting against it while my tears rolled down and got trapped between our fingers. I looked around at the businesses on the access road of I-35 as we drove and muttered, "Goddamn, I'm so fucking over this town," and put my head back down into my lap, my forehead pressed hard against the back of Jacob's hand that was being held hostage in my grip. I told him again once we were on 183, "Thank you for going to extra-super-long way around so we wouldn't cross Metric again." He smiled at me and kissed my hand.
I don't want to leave this guy. No one will ever treat me better than he does; no one will ever love me more than he does; no one will ever understand (or at least put up with) my neurosis as well as he does. No one will ever love him more than I do. He is the only thing I don't want to leave in Texas.
But like I said last night, I am sofa king over this godforsaken town.
Can we please go now?

for all the cows

Finally went to a doctor about my rotting insides after enduring a bout of uncontrollable vomiting until I thought I was going to suffocate at Kellyn's house about a week and a half ago.
Turns out my irritability has given me an irritable bowel, hence the intense intestinal pains/cramps/rotting feelings, and my irritability has given my tummy an excuse to resurrect my ulcer.


Treatment = control my stress.
So simple, right? No.


Every time I get upset I start puking. It's fucking annoying. So far, there's no blood so at least the damn thing's not bleeding... yet. If I don't get my stress under control & my symptoms don't go away or at least lessen in severity/frequency, I'll have to go to a GI Specialist. Or that's what the doc said; I don't really HAVE to do anything; I could just continue to let my insides rot away and die. I kind of feel like that's going to happen anyway, and besides how bloated/swollen/chubbed up it's making me in the meantime, I don't really care if it does happen.
It's almost like knowing what my stress/anxiety is doing to me physically has made my stress/anxiety worse; I was a total wreck all week: sicker than usual, weepier than usual, more miserable than usual (something I didn't think was possible). I just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. I feel like this day in & day out. I'm supposed to be happy - I'm done with probation, I'm done with Concordia, I'm done with fucking TEXAS (almost), I'm about to go home to my momy after being away from her for the longest period of time in my entire life, I'm about to go home to my puppies & my kitties & my crazy stoner/white trash/old Catholic neighbors; why am I so miserable?




OH MY GOD I'm about to rip out my intestines.

ramshackle

You've been so long;

your blind eyes are gone,

your old bones are on their own.

So take off your coat,

put a song in your throat,

let the dead-beats pound all around.

We will go

nowhere we know,

we don't have to talk at all.

Hand me downs,

flypaper towns

stuck together

one and all.

The bargains you drive,

buckets and bags,

and all your belongings.

Your train's in the sand;

Ramshackle land.

Let the rats watch the races.

We will go

nowhere we know

til we find our one and all.

Hand me downs,

flypaper towns

stuck together

one and all.

Praises get spent,

your trick face is bent;

pigsties and prizes.

'Cause there's no kind of 'well' -

You're suiting yourself.

You leave yourself behind.

We will go

nowhere we know

til we find our one and all.

Your hand me downs,

flypaper towns

stuck together

one and all.

who do you think you are collecting your jar of hearts

you know what's really, reeeeaaaaally fucking annoying? when you sit around doing JACK SHIT for an hour because that's how long ago your project partner emailed you saying she was on her way over from her place in Lakeway (essentially the same goddamn place as Concordia) and wasn't sure if she had your number (bullshit. called me multiple times before.) and asked you to call her with your dorm number and you DO call her, she doesn't answer, you leave a message with your dorm room number, your cell phone number, and your two potential whereabouts (your room or Wal Mart), and whadyaknow? Bitch still isn't hereeeeeeeee nor has she called.... nothing. I COULD KILL A LUTHERAN RIGHT NOW.

That's really, REEEEEEEAAAALLLY fucking annoying.

it only makes it harder to live without it, but let's talk about it

I've been listening to the Beach Boys a lot lately. Thank you, Kellyn, for that. It's nice. Cheery, pop-y, good [vibrations] feeling music. But anyway. That was just to explain the title of my post. "Wouldn't It Be Nice" is constantly stuck in my head.


The semester is over.. technically. There's still 4 days of exams. I have one for Drama at 245 on Tuesday, a 10-page paper for American Lit. due at 6 Tuesday evening, a Short Story Final op-ed paper due by noon Wednesday, and a project presentation for Cognitive Psychology at 1230 on Friday. I'm good with all of it except the project...... my partner is such a fucking flake. I can't really give her too much shit, I haven't done a damn thing either except perpetually try and get her to commit to a time to meet up or at least talk on the phone or SOMETHING.

I forget why I originally started this post.
I wanted to say something. I had something to talk about.
I lost it, though.
I'll come back.

breathe out so I can breathe you in

I hate that 3 out of 4 times I come to Jacob's now he's already in bed when I get here or goes to bed before me. As soon as he's asleep, I'm alone and I feel like sobbing. I don't like being alone in someone else's house. It's not even that, I'm fine with that; I don't like being alone in someone else's house when I'm not the only person in the house. That's why I used to go batshit insane when I tried to spend the night anywhere - the other person(s) would go to sleep, I'd still be up, alone, with nothing to do but think. I hate thinking. I get sad. So now it's automatic to just freak out and go into horrible fits of crying and/or anxiety and/or depression that can sometimes last for days. I don't want to be here awake, alone, watching Foo Fighters ACL footage in HD (I don't mind that part, but I could be doing it at my house with my awake father), because I didn't come here to be alone; I came here to get away from myself - from my loneliness. And now it's being compounded. And I'm talking in circles because it's 10:40 in Pittsburgh so mom's not online and I have no one to talk to because everyone I know has friends and something to do on a Friday night besides talk me out of my neurosis. And even still, if there were someone to call to talk me down from my crazy, it wouldn't work: they're not here. I don't want to feel alone when I'm not alone. I don't want to be alone so I'm here..... alone. FUCK I'm crying. They're playing "Aurora" and it's so beautiful and that's what I wanted to name my daughter and Kelsey really liked the name. Fuck fuck fuck

You believe there's something else

to relieve your emptiness,

and you dream about yourself,

and you bleed and breathe the air,

and it's on and on...

I just kinda died for you.

You just kinda stared at me.

We will always have the chance;

we can do this one more time.

Hell yeah, I remember aurora.

All this time....

Take me now; we can spin the sun around,

and the stars will all come out,

then we'll turn and come back down.

You believe there's somewhere else

where it's easier than this,

and you see outside yourself,

and you buy the hole you'll fill,

and it's on and on,

On and on..

Aurora, wait for everyone;

wait till the last one's done.