some days are better, and then some nights are worse

Today would have been 3 years.
My lower abdomen is causing me excruciating pain right now.
I haven't been able to stop crying since I got up.
All of these statements are completely unrelated.
I hate today.

I would vomit up my life if I could.

Fall of '82

I do relate to you in so many ways,

but I didn't go through what you must have in those early days.

You had to be strong at such a very young age.

A new life on lemonade.

So, won't you listen to me now?

There's something I never told you,

and I'm about to try.

See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding.

You moved back in with us in the [summer of '08].

I fell into dark times, and you were there to help me through.

You told me that a downturn would eventually improve,

and you were right, so I'm thanking you.

So, won't you listen to me now?

There's something I never told you,

and I'm about to try.

See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding,

footholds eroding.

Had you never been my friend,

I wouldn't be quite what you see;

I wouldn't be the [wo]man I am.

Sister, you've known me

lost in a strange world.

What has it shown me?

What has it gone through?

Sister, you've known me.

Been lost in a strange world,

but has it shown me?

What has it gone through?

October chill in that old dusty town.

Halloween came, I was still feeling down.

Mama, lost my sweet tooth, what's the point in going 'round?

Your [girl] is losing count,

maybe try the lost and found.

Sad Day For Austinites

Rest in Peace, Leslie.

Austin is a hell of a lot less weird without you in it.

Does it break my heart, of course, every minute of every day

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."

It just occurred to me that my moma is in Texas during NEDAwareness week. And it fucking breaks my heart. I wish I could be with you, moma. I wish you didn't have to be in that awful place. But more so, I wish I could be with you.

I think I'm going to nix the article I was supposed to write for the Communique this week and let K. Copes write it instead. I'm going to write an ED piece. A NEDAwareness Week piece. It would've been better if I'd written it last week so it'd come out in this week's paper, but I don't give a fuck.
I messed up and didn't write the ED Awareness/Prevention event article because I missed the damn event, and I will not let this slide.
Facebook is not sufficient for spreading awareness. Not for me - not FROM me.
I'm pretty sure that at this point, everyone (except Katie H. and Becca D.) just glosses over my constant sharing and resharing of ED Awareness or body dysmorphic awareness/prevention articles and links on facebook anyway. I've become THAT girl whose "news" links you just ignore with a slight eye roll.
Well, fuck facebook. I should be doing more.
I, of all people, should be doing more.
I, of all students on this campus, should be shouting from the fucking rooftops (a surprisingly easy task, if I wanted to literally do it).
I have to.
I feel like I've been so lazy, so dormant, so uninvolved in advocacy and fighting in the honor of my sister and my friends and my family and myself.. I actually feel really guilty about this.
Fuck.

I wish I could be with you this week, moma.


I have an article to write.

the stars, they crowned us all misfits

I don't know why I felt compelled to write. I really have nothing to say. I've been staring at this open, blank "New Post" for a little while now, singing along to my iTunes waiting for it to inspire some train of thought to jump on. Nothing. So I guess I'll go with my most uncomfortable topic. Always a good idea, right?

Something over the last two, two and a half weeks has changed me. I can't tell you what, not because I don't want to but because I really don't know. I can't tell you how or why, I just know that something has shaken me hard, rocked me all the way down to my core and back out again. I don't think it's a good change, either. I feel like I'm falling backwards. I always say I feel so alone, and I was saying that a lot last week when I thought I was losing my mind. That's not exactly how I feel I've come to realize. I don't feel separated or disconnected from others, I feel separated and disconnected from myself. It's an atrocious feeling. It makes me kind of want to vomit. It's also extremely tiring.

That's as far as I feel like delving into it publicly. Plus, I've got class in an hour and I can't be all emotional and up in my head from unraveling all my neurosis right now.

In other news, I still have no friends further than being facebook friends with people I've met and spent time around once or twice, and still there is no conversation going on. Ironically, the only person who has been able to make me feel even remotely human or normal since I've started to lose touch with reality is Dan, and we are solely cyber friends. Currently, the part of my day I enjoy the most is the hunt for the best picture I can get for an instagram February photo challenge that Dan got me into. I've been posting two pictures a day usually; if I find the perfect something for the day's theme too early, then I get sad because there's nothing left to look forward to. This is how pathetic my life is.
But still, thank you, Dan, for making me feel like a real person on a daily basis, and even better - for making me smile. It's gotten to the point where there's no guarantee that even Jessica can get a smile out of me (though she usually does), and that's truly saying something.


I'm either freezing my ass off or burning up and sweating constantly now. There has not been a comfortable in between, or just a plain old in between, for two weeks straight. I'm currently freezing my ass off, and the temperature's rapidly dropping outside. Time for more layers and class.

I hate myself a little bit every time I make a random, pointless entry like this.

this.

You walk on to a new sound an old song that you just found
It still hurts, but it helps out with the change that you couldn’t
know about
Fire red to powder blue this stone inside of you
Is neither hot nor cold, but it is heavy and too damn old

She dreams feathers and her blazing guns
The myth it’s worth fighting for all along
He stares because he knows
There’s something that he’s lost or maybe just forgot
But either way it’s gone

shut the door

I'd like to hang Christmas ornaments from my rib cage, put a collar with a golden bell around my throat so everybody would know that I was coming; give them all a chance to make a clean get away. I'm tangled in mixed views and I really don't know which way is up anymore. I'm pressing my vertebrae up against the rear view mirror of the sky, and it was just yesterday that I learned what it felt like to be trapped. Highways all seem to lead in the same direction, back to the same address, but I'm trying to avoid you now for unknown reasons. I think it's because you're always calling my bluff. I'm stuffing November in boxes, getting rid of wounded bellies and dry mouth wit. Cats with crooked jaws dance with bare feet, and I shut the door on what you and I might have been.