Thursday, December 10, 2009

If I could wave my magic wand...

Tuesday I turned in my two revised Intro. to Studio Art papers.
On time. I got extra points on my grade because of this fact.
I went to my nutritionist. My weight has been within a 3 pound range all semester. My eating since the beginning on the semester has increased at least 3 fold, I don't work out, and my weight won't budge. Momy says I look healthier; not so bony. My counselor said my face looked much fuller and had more color than the last time he'd seen me a month prior. So, I guess this technically very underweight weight is it. I don't have to go back to the nutritionist for a month.
I went to WalMart with Ariane and wasted half an hour looking for wire for our art projects that are due tomorrow only to find out our teacher is full of it & WalMart doesn't carry what we needed. So I bought Christmas cards for my teachers, giant construction paper to make a Menorah for my dorm door, a bubble package to mail Emily's (very late) birthday present, and a big-ass Texas shot glass for my roommate for Christmas.
We went to the apartment where I got a huge blob of red paint on my pajama pants before I even started painting on my Art resubmission. I finished the resubmission and ate dinner with Jacob. While I was gathering my stuff to come back to my dorm, Jacob talked to his mother on the phone. I was putting my shoes on when I asked him, "What was that all about?"
"They got Grandpa Bob's blood work back."
"He has cancer in his bones, his liver, and his lungs."
I froze as the same goosebump-inducing shivers ran through my body as the ones that did as I typed that out. I opened my mouth and "Oh, my God.." spilled from it. I stood and apologized to Jacob, not knowing what else to do. I asked if he wanted to come stay with me for a little bit, and he didn't. I asked if he wanted me to get my Science stuff and come stay with him for a little bit. He did, but he wouldn't say so because he thought I didn't want to since I needed to study. We sat in his car, smoking, going back & forth until he asked, "What do you want to do?"
"I want to be there for you. I want to be where you need me."
"Okay. Go get your stuff. I'll wait here."
I ran up the stairs and threw together an overnight bag with jewelry, makeup, & clothes together as well as a next-day school books in another bag faster than I think I ever have.
I don't know how this works. Grandpa Bob is going to die, but he's not dead.. we don't know when it's going to happen. But we know it is. It's extremely awkward and sad. I'm not used to it. Except for my own grandfather, Death has always come unexpected and horribly tragic in my life. I'm not sure what to do or say. And the worst part is that it hurts me, too. I only got to spend a few weekends around him, but Grandpa Bob is THE shit. I love that goofy old man. And there's some chance that I won't spend another weekend attempting to catch fish with him ever again. But I don't want to feel sorry for myself, this isn't my loss, this isn't my tragedy. I need to be there for Jacob & Ariane. And I don't know how.
Yesterday I received a 100 on my Sociology quiz, did okay on my Environmental Science test (I think.. I hope), got another 95 on my English essay, another 100 on my Life & Leadership reflection, and received a 100 on my Life & Leadership Volunteer/Service-Learning Project. So for that course, my final grade is: 100. or maybe a 99 because I didn't turn in a doctor's note for the seminar I missed, but he knew I was at the doctor. Whatever, it's essentially a perfect grade that averages in to my GPA, so I'm happy with that.
Last night Jacob & I went to WalMart to get my $85 worth of prescriptions and some other groceries. I stressed heavily over the money spent. I am very money-stressed lately & I'm not sure why other than the fact that I know we don't have much & I know I'm a huge expense. I refused to go to Home Depot to get more wire for my art project because I didn't want to spend almost $20 on a spool of fucking wire. We got pizza, ate it, and then my chronic fatigue (comes and goes ever since I got mono five years ago.. usually around the same time of the year that I had mono, which is now) and nausea kicked in hardcore. Jacob brought me back to my dorm where I set all of my alarms for various intervals starting at 6:00 a.m. and the last one for 7:00 a.m. because I needed to get up and work on my art so I could have something to turn in for critique. I laid in bed watching TV for like, three hours, unable to fall asleep, but whenever I stood up, to pee or get water or candy, I felt like I was going to just crumple and a huge wave of exhaustion would hit me. Finally I fell asleep.
This morning I didn't get up at 6:00, 6:30, or 6:45. Jacob called me at 7:00 and I finally got up. I wasted an entire hour making almost no progress & had to strongly resist destroying what I had many times. I decided during class that I would destroy it & do something completely different for resubmission next week. I'm a lot more confident about what I'm going to resubmit. And Ariane bought more fat wire (the stuff I needed but refused to spend money on), so I'm basically set.

I don't know what else I want to write about. I just got bored and decided to write in my blog. Because I'm just that cool.
And no one reads this.

Go Steelers.