Friday, June 25, 2010

don't close your eyes; you might fall to pieces.

Today I'm wearing the same dress I wore on June 25th, 2009.
I've only worn it once in between, and it was for the AFED art auction.
Of course, I'm 10 pounds bigger than the first time I wore it, so I think I fill it out more now.

For some reason, yesterday and today have been a lot harder than Sunday was.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"Daddy, our baby's gone."

'You're allowed to be sad, but you aren't allowed to be too sad.
If you're always sad when you think about me, then how can you remember me?'

Friday, June 11, 2010

If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere

In New York City, mother and I went to the Tick Tock Diner for dinner Saturday May 29th, the day after what would have been Kelsey's 24th birthday. I promised her prior to the trip that I'd tell her what had been on my mind..
I left on dad's birthday and stayed at Jacob's because the parents were fighting, and since they've always been great parents when it comes to keeping their disagreements/arguments/fights behind closed doors and never in front of their children (they're definitely great parents in more ways than this, but this is the aspect that matters to this situation), I didn't know what was going on; I only felt the unexplainably heavy blanket of tension that lay over the household. The following morning, I apologized to mom for leaving & told her that I just couldn't bear the tension on top of so much other stuff being on my mind at the time.
And thus I told her all that had been on my mind that night, May 29th, at the diner.
I told her how I'd spent weeks fixating on all of the guilt I felt and subsequent blame I placed on myself for Kelsey's death. I explained in further detail, which I will not do now, and went on to explain how this constant beating my mind and conscious was giving me for almost a month had completely worn me down, how my skin was so thin, and that the night of dad's birthday consequently made me scared.. I knew and know my parents will never split. They love each other. Couples fight. People fight. It's human, it's natural, it's healthy. But it's so rare to sense anger and pain that intense between my parents that my mind immediately began to wonder what would happen if they did? What the hell would I do? I'd be completely & utterly alone. Those two, my mother & my father: they ARE my only family now, and with those thoughts on top of the Kelsey-killer thoughts, I broke. I told mother all of this and more. We talked. It was a sad, down kind of evening... Saturday night in NYC, eating dinner at a little diner then going back to our hotel to watch TV and sleep.
When we left, we walked down the street some ways, and near one of the block corners was a man with a handful of flyers waiting for passerby's such as ourselves. He readied himself as we approached. "Hey!" as he starts to hold out a flyer, "Comedy show - Aw, why you ladies look so sad? C'mon," beginning his attempt to hand us a flyer, "you could bring your sister..."
I must've changed from a sad look to one of fury as I firmly walked past the man to the street corner, waiting for mother and to cross.
"Oh, she is NOT happy I said that!"
Mother politely smiled, although my back was to the both of them now I could hear the smile in her tone, told the man calmly, "No, she is not. Her sister.. passed away last year."
Again, I couldn't see his face but I could hear the bugged eyes and dropped jaw of that horrible oh-shit moment everyone has at some point as he said less enthusiastically, "Oh.. my god. I am SO sorry."
I clenched my teeth as my eyes welled, blood boiled, and the urge to turn and beat the innocent man's face into his skull pulsed.
In her polite voice, "yeah, we're actually here because it was.. would have been her birthday yesterday. So.."
Desperately trying to recover the fumble that lost him the game, "I - I'm so, so sorry. Look, you ladies have a good night and a nice stay. Again, I am truly, so sorry."
I think mom said thank you a time or two, but if so that's not what I was listening to. As we walked on and I had sucked back those welling tears and barely loosened my jaw, mother asked if I was okay. "Yep. Just fine." Typical me.

I wrote down this exchange in my journal as soon as we got back to the hotel. I still haven't written in my journal since.. I think it's because of something else I said to mother that night.. how I don't deal with things. I haven't been avidly writing because that requires me to face everything going on in the present, definitely the past, and sometimes the future. If I don't write, I can remain ignorant.
But anyway..

I have to leave now. Psychiatrist appointment (how appropriate) then going to Jacob's grandparents for a short visit.