Friday, April 20, 2012

This new layout blows cock

I'm so tired. Physically, mentally. I would say emotionally but I'm pretty sure I'm all out of those. Or they're just stuffed down low because whenever I need to or want to or try to express them, someone's telling me, "shhh," and "you need to calm down," and "it's not a big deal, there's no reason to freak out, Marissa."
I was calm until you started telling me to be quiet. And yeah, there IS reason to freak out when you won't let me finish my fucking sentence.

All I was trying to say was that I don't like people reminding me of how sick my sister was.
All I was trying to say is that I've been having bad dreams and I'm tired and it makes me that much more frustrated with my school work.
All I was trying to do was verbalize how fucking disgusting and fat and ugly I feel lately so that I don't keep internalizing it and dwelling on it and continue letting it pull me down.

Cutting me off and telling me to calm down when I'm expressing my thoughts in relation to my sister is probably the dumbest thing you can do. Yes, I raise my voice so that I can finish what I'm saying over your shushing. How dare you? How FUCKING dare you, especially when I've said at least 10 times in the last week that I'm going through a tough time with her absence right now? You probably weren't listening, or you just don't think it's that big of a deal...?
Telling me to "oh, just shut up straight A student" when I'm stressed out doesn't make anything better. It just makes me want to punch you in the fucking nose.
Rolling your eyes at me when I'm trying to tell you things that I don't tell almost anyone any more, like how horrible my body image has been for about a month (well, particularly bad for about a month. it's been generally bad for.... about a year now) and how frustrating it is to have my day-to-day life dictated by how I think my body looks... yeah fuck you for that. Rolling of the eyes, the sigh, and the, "You're NAWWWWTTTT FAT!" is a sure fire way to push me away. Telling me to calm down when I yell back, "I know I'm not! You think I don't know that? I'm not saying I AM FAT, I'm saying I SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DO and I FEEL disgusting and IT'S IN MY HEAD" (of course I never get that far in that statement due to the, "okay, okay, I know, I know, calm down) doesn't make me any less anxious or ready to get out of sweat pants and pull the blanket back off my head.
Shushing me and wrapping your arms around me, literally restraining me, when I start to cry because I'm so upset (and you're the one who pushed that over the edge to tears) will make me want to scream. If you don't fucking let me speak AND you don't let me go, I will scream.
Getting annoyed when I cry... Jeez, I'm sorry I inconvenience you so. I just have no other way to let out the SHIT festering inside of me since
 And people wonder how I managed to give myself an ulcer.

Oh! Oh! And my favorite part is when I specifically say, "I cannot talk right now I have a lot of work to do," and you think that means that you can keep chewing my ear off and blowing my fucking phone/skype/facebook up. QUIT IT. Then maybe I won't bitch so much about how overwhelmed I am with school because I'll get something done for once.

I have so much studying to do and I'm getting up in less than six hours.

FOR THE RECORD, the "you" being addressed in this entry is a bunch of different people depending on the circumstance. Some of them apply to multiple "you"s. Just sayin, don't think too hard on who I'm yelling at via blogger because I can't yell at them in person :)

ALSO FOR THE RECORD, when I say that no one will fucking listen to me, I mean no one will really hear me. I know people listen, I never shut the fuck up. Truly hearing me, though.. different thing entirely.

Mah Boyz

In honor of Levon Helm, may he rest in peace, the kiddos from Cry Fire played The Weight at their show last night at Club Cafe. Though Nathaniel's face is constantly blocked out, you get his pretty voice. I was right by a speaker, so I apologize for the shit sound quality - usually my iPod videos are great for sound. But I thought this was cute anyway :)

PS- moma, THIS is the song I was trying to remember the name of that Zach always karaokes and changes "Fanny" to "Leslie." haha adorable

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

some days are better, and then some nights are worse

Today would have been 3 years.
My lower abdomen is causing me excruciating pain right now.
I haven't been able to stop crying since I got up.
All of these statements are completely unrelated.
I hate today.

I would vomit up my life if I could.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Fall of '82

I do relate to you in so many ways,
but I didn't go through what you must have in those early days.
You had to be strong at such a very young age.
A new life on lemonade.

So, won't you listen to me now?
There's something I never told you,
and I'm about to try.
See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding.

You moved back in with us in the [summer of '08].
I fell into dark times, and you were there to help me through.
You told me that a downturn would eventually improve,
and you were right, so I'm thanking you.

So, won't you listen to me now?
There's something I never told you,
and I'm about to try.
See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding,
footholds eroding.

Had you never been my friend,
I wouldn't be quite what you see;
I wouldn't be the [wo]man I am.

Sister, you've known me
lost in a strange world.
What has it shown me?
What has it gone through?
Sister, you've known me.
Been lost in a strange world,
but has it shown me?
What has it gone through?

October chill in that old dusty town.
Halloween came, I was still feeling down.
Mama, lost my sweet tooth, what's the point in going 'round?
Your [girl] is losing count,
maybe try the lost and found.