Thursday, December 10, 2009

If I could wave my magic wand...

Tuesday I turned in my two revised Intro. to Studio Art papers.
On time. I got extra points on my grade because of this fact.
I went to my nutritionist. My weight has been within a 3 pound range all semester. My eating since the beginning on the semester has increased at least 3 fold, I don't work out, and my weight won't budge. Momy says I look healthier; not so bony. My counselor said my face looked much fuller and had more color than the last time he'd seen me a month prior. So, I guess this technically very underweight weight is it. I don't have to go back to the nutritionist for a month.
I went to WalMart with Ariane and wasted half an hour looking for wire for our art projects that are due tomorrow only to find out our teacher is full of it & WalMart doesn't carry what we needed. So I bought Christmas cards for my teachers, giant construction paper to make a Menorah for my dorm door, a bubble package to mail Emily's (very late) birthday present, and a big-ass Texas shot glass for my roommate for Christmas.
We went to the apartment where I got a huge blob of red paint on my pajama pants before I even started painting on my Art resubmission. I finished the resubmission and ate dinner with Jacob. While I was gathering my stuff to come back to my dorm, Jacob talked to his mother on the phone. I was putting my shoes on when I asked him, "What was that all about?"
"They got Grandpa Bob's blood work back."
"He has cancer in his bones, his liver, and his lungs."
I froze as the same goosebump-inducing shivers ran through my body as the ones that did as I typed that out. I opened my mouth and "Oh, my God.." spilled from it. I stood and apologized to Jacob, not knowing what else to do. I asked if he wanted to come stay with me for a little bit, and he didn't. I asked if he wanted me to get my Science stuff and come stay with him for a little bit. He did, but he wouldn't say so because he thought I didn't want to since I needed to study. We sat in his car, smoking, going back & forth until he asked, "What do you want to do?"
"I want to be there for you. I want to be where you need me."
"Okay. Go get your stuff. I'll wait here."
I ran up the stairs and threw together an overnight bag with jewelry, makeup, & clothes together as well as a next-day school books in another bag faster than I think I ever have.
I don't know how this works. Grandpa Bob is going to die, but he's not dead.. we don't know when it's going to happen. But we know it is. It's extremely awkward and sad. I'm not used to it. Except for my own grandfather, Death has always come unexpected and horribly tragic in my life. I'm not sure what to do or say. And the worst part is that it hurts me, too. I only got to spend a few weekends around him, but Grandpa Bob is THE shit. I love that goofy old man. And there's some chance that I won't spend another weekend attempting to catch fish with him ever again. But I don't want to feel sorry for myself, this isn't my loss, this isn't my tragedy. I need to be there for Jacob & Ariane. And I don't know how.
Yesterday I received a 100 on my Sociology quiz, did okay on my Environmental Science test (I think.. I hope), got another 95 on my English essay, another 100 on my Life & Leadership reflection, and received a 100 on my Life & Leadership Volunteer/Service-Learning Project. So for that course, my final grade is: 100. or maybe a 99 because I didn't turn in a doctor's note for the seminar I missed, but he knew I was at the doctor. Whatever, it's essentially a perfect grade that averages in to my GPA, so I'm happy with that.
Last night Jacob & I went to WalMart to get my $85 worth of prescriptions and some other groceries. I stressed heavily over the money spent. I am very money-stressed lately & I'm not sure why other than the fact that I know we don't have much & I know I'm a huge expense. I refused to go to Home Depot to get more wire for my art project because I didn't want to spend almost $20 on a spool of fucking wire. We got pizza, ate it, and then my chronic fatigue (comes and goes ever since I got mono five years ago.. usually around the same time of the year that I had mono, which is now) and nausea kicked in hardcore. Jacob brought me back to my dorm where I set all of my alarms for various intervals starting at 6:00 a.m. and the last one for 7:00 a.m. because I needed to get up and work on my art so I could have something to turn in for critique. I laid in bed watching TV for like, three hours, unable to fall asleep, but whenever I stood up, to pee or get water or candy, I felt like I was going to just crumple and a huge wave of exhaustion would hit me. Finally I fell asleep.
This morning I didn't get up at 6:00, 6:30, or 6:45. Jacob called me at 7:00 and I finally got up. I wasted an entire hour making almost no progress & had to strongly resist destroying what I had many times. I decided during class that I would destroy it & do something completely different for resubmission next week. I'm a lot more confident about what I'm going to resubmit. And Ariane bought more fat wire (the stuff I needed but refused to spend money on), so I'm basically set.

I don't know what else I want to write about. I just got bored and decided to write in my blog. Because I'm just that cool.
And no one reads this.

Go Steelers.

Friday, November 27, 2009

I hate it here when you're gone

Thanksgiving was fine. The only times I came close to crying were when Grandma Veldman started asking mother about Eli and why dad blames him for Kelsey's death (I wanted to interrupt "I BLAME HIM, TOO, BECAUSE HE'S A DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT LYING SNAKE" but I just sat quietly and kept up my game of solitaire) and when she said Grace before dinner, adding in there "We miss Kelsey, but we know she would want us to continue like any other holiday." But I didn't actually cry until this morning. I sobbed. Hysterically. I'm alone in my dorm room like I have been since last night, and I just lost it. I got a message on facebook from someone I don't know who saw my "you look like my sister did" comment on superanorexic Ms. Teen Arizona, Sarah's photo asking if I lost my sister to an ED and how she's thinking of me. This girl & I have two mutual friends: Sarah, and a girl Lindsay that Kelsey was internet friends with. Lindsay's profile picture is still a picture of my sister. So then I started looking at pictures. And now it's noon, I've been up for two hours, and I've accomplished nothing but a bunch of online posts about how much I miss my sister. I really need to do something.. anything. I think I'll do art.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

alone in my universe far from the earth

So, I have my travel permit from my probation officer to go to Pittsburgh & to Colorado in December. That's pretty exciting.. no, REALLY exciting. I can't wait for both trips!
On the other hand, Thanksgiving is in two days. This year I will not be consuming 8 mg of xanax and making a complete scene that I won't be able to remember when I wake up on the couch at midnight, but the xanax will be tempting. Grandmother will be a.) drunk on wine, b.) sobbing, or c.) both - that's the one I'm counting on. Randy will be sufficiently intoxicated but I'm not sure how his emotional state will be, or IF it will be. Father will be distant, depressed, quiet. Mother will be depressed & avoiding her depression by staying in the kitchen, fighting for counter space with my sister's cat, Tum Tum, causing more depression, and fighting for her fucking kitchen in and of itself with my grandmother. I will be... there. I'm going to be so sad, yet so confused. How am I supposed to feel? I won't be sad or scared or angry because of Kelsey's bingeing and purging, I won't be worried about my own potential to purge.. I will just be torn. Do I forget the fact that this is our first majorly celebrated holiday without my sister and enjoy the company and coziness of my remaining family? No, that's impossible because no one else will be doing that, and because I don't go a single hour without thinking about/talking about/aching over the absence of my sister. Do I let my sadness overwhelm me to the point of being another dysfunctional piece of my family sitting around, idly staring? No, I wouldn't and won't do that, it's not how I roll. I suppose this year I take on my mother's solution: keep busy as shit. And I have this feeling that I've had for a while that instead of being the massive wreck like last year, I will be clean up crew this year, trying to tend to everyone and keep things as light as possible. I'm getting nervous and I can't believe it. It's coming from nowhere. Nervous? For what? I'm not even nervous about the 2378467846 papers I have to write over the break, which I fucking should be. I just.. don't even know. Like I said, I'm torn.

Friday, November 20, 2009

As long as I am upright, I'll try to prolong the notion that future events must go on.

Five months ago, I was white-water rafting with my mom, my best friend, Niles, and his father. We were having a kickass time. I was having a kickass time in West Virginia, the place of my rebirth, with my two best friends: momy & Niles, remembering all that I learned at that place two years prior, remembering all that I love and all that is important to me.
After a car ride back to the resort filled with "oh my god, do you remember when..."s and laughter galore, I bathed and dressed quickly to go back across the road to the ski lodge for more reunion festivities. I was in a great mood. My counselor commented when I walked in wearing bright yellow jeans & a pink "Peanuts" t-shirt how I was so colorful & cute and it made her happy. In our reunion photo, that's the outfit I'm wearing. I was proud of my color coordination, but really I was just happy to be where I was with all of those people.. I've always been happy there.
After my hands went numb & swollen from drumming a couple rhythms, mother & I headed back to our hotel room. When everyone else ventured back over, Niles & I went out to a lone bench and talked until the cold wind was too ferocious to handle and we sprinted up to Sean's room, another friend of ours. We hung for a little, then Niles & I wandered off. We hung with a couple other cool cats until Niles decided to retire to his room. I stuck with the kids and went to Levin's room where a large amount of the alumni had congregated. Due to the late hour, we decided to take the party out to the parking lot. I was having so much fun, but I remember a distinct feeling of separation, like I was inside of a bubble. I had left my phone on the bench Niles & I were originally at, so when I became curious of the time and couldn't find my phone, I started getting very, very anxious. Not because I'd lost my phone, I wasn't even concerned about that. I NEEDED to know what time it was. I don't know why, but I HAD to know. I was asking everyone, freaking out mildly, until someone told me it was about midnight. I thought finding out the time would relieve my anxiety, but it didn't.. something was still weird. I did my best to put it in the back of my mind, but the effort I had to put into doing that combined with my distant, confused feeling (not to mention a very long day involving intense physical activity) made me utterly exhausted and within about fifteen minutes I said goodnight to everyone and retired to mine & mom's room. I fell asleep quickly, and I woke an hour or so later even quicker.
I needed to know what time it was with such intense anxiety at the same time that victim services were showing up at my house back in Texas to tell my dad that his daughter was dead.
I woke with a start to a State Trooper coming to tell my mother & me that her daughter and my sister, my one & only very, very best friend, was dead.

Nothing's been the same since.
It's five months, to the day, since she left us.
I didn't do it intentionally whatsoever, and I didn't realize it until a couple of hours ago, but I'm wearing the same outfit (shirt, undershirt, headscarf, & pants -the blue ones though.. it's raining and yellow pants + rain = bad news- even makeup) that I wore five months ago. I got sick to my stomach when I realized this. I want to change, but I know changing my clothes from the same ones I wore the day my sister died five months ago is not going to change the fact that she died on this day five months ago.. nothing's going to change that, and nothing's going to make me feel better about it or anything else.

I skipped my science class (where I'm supposed to be right now) today. Too tired, too depressed to sit through the disorganization & worthlessness of that class. I'm supposed to meet Jacob for lunch in fifteen minutes, but I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball under my blankets, squeeze Barnaby, the Build-a-Bear Kelsey made me during her first trip to treatment, and cry. It's cold and rainy, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my grief, guilt, and depression.

Once, in West Virginia, it was brought to my attention that the person I love the most in my life & in this world is my sister. Was my sister. No - IS my sister. I just wish I could tell her that again.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm not sleepy, and there is no place I'm going to.

I doubt I will write here very often, if ever.

Mom, this is solely so I can comment on your blog if I ever feel so inclined, which I don't see happening because if there's something I want to say to you, I say it to you.

So, really, I'm just incredibly bored due to a cancelled Sociology exam and my annoying inability to sleep past 7:30 A.M. in my dorm. It's Friday the 13th. That's kind of cool.

I don't want to write anything right now. Maybe later.