Progress

Today I went and hung out with Kellyn for three hours instead of writing out my econ exams' study sheets or reading for Classicism. I really don't know if I've stopped my school work mid-week to just have some time with my friend(s) this semester, last semester, or the one before that even. I was saying something at Spiderhouse, and Kellyn said, "Let me just stop you right there, and we're going to have a toast," as she raises her Lone Star, "to Kelsey." I clicked my coffee cup hard against her beer glass & took a huge gulp.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had just swigged a decent amount of hot beverage, but I felt warmth inside. I felt true, unfamilial love and understanding between us, which almost immediately gave way to a calming sensation that can't be matched.

I've rarely felt so refreshed when there's so much school work sitting, unfinished, on my lap.

I need more times like that one.

And, to top off a good day, I'm eating Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese for the first time since I was probably 8-years-old. I've been so scared of how delicious and rich it is, but tonight, I don't care. Rarely do I not care or dwell upon the fat content I put into my mouth.

I feel... different. It kind of scares me. I kind of really like it.

It's hard to remember to live before you die

I'm unequivocally depressed right now.

Depressed isn't the right word.

I feel ephemeral tonight. Quickly disappearing; transient.

I don't know why.

I felt awkward, for lack of a better word, and entirely alone, so I got some homework together and went to the cafeteria for dinner. But I could barely eat or get any homework done.

I was just.. dazed. In a noisy, crowded place, all I could hear was muffled conversation and laughter; I couldn't make out words even for eavesdropping entertainment.

I felt entirely disconnected -- I was not in that cafeteria with all those people, I was in a cloud.. I was surrounded by fog, blurred, invisible, disconnected.

I left. I've been slow to move ever since.

I've been wanting to -- no, NEEDING to cry, but I'm emotionless. I can feel an internal ache, but my affect is totally flat.. it's just vanished.

I stand in one place, staring, empty-minded, for minutes at a time without realizing it. I snap out of it due to my upstairs neighbors stomping or some cunts being loud in the hall/stairway, and then I'm just confused.. What am I doing? Why am I standing here? What am I supposed to be doing? What was I just thinking?

I would think I'm losing my mind, but I don't feel crazy...

I don't feel anything.

"My hell comes from inside - comes from inside myself.

Why fight this?"

I Miss Your Love

I've always heard that being an only child sucks cock.

It does.

I don't know if my hatred for being an only child is legit, though, because I used to know what it was to not be an only child.

I think that's what makes it so hard. I was not an only child until I was 20-years-old. A year and a half later, I still fucking hate it more than anything.

It's not the being the only child thing I hate, it's the fact that my only sister is dead, and that's the reason I'm an only child. I think if I'd been one all along, I'd have led an entirely different life, and in such a case, I may or may not despise it so much.

But knowing what it is to have a sibling, a single sibling, a sibling of the same sex, a best friend that no one else will ever replace: that's what makes this so unbearable.

I miss my sister.