begging, begging please

I've had this song stuck in my head for days now. Maybe that's why I'm crying so much. In any case, here's a beautiful recording of it.

these dreams under my pillow

"It was so beautiful. Words just can't describe or explain.. You were curled up in my lap with your head against my chest. I was holding you like this, with my arms wrapped around you, and it was so comfortable and perfect.. I would sleep sitting up on this couch right here just to have you in my arms like that every single night. I looked down while you slept, and you looked so peaceful - you have the face of an angel - and I thought, 'Wow, this is it - this is what it's all about. This is happiness in its truest and purest form. This, THIS moment, this is what it feels like to be happy.' It was just so beautiful, Marissa. I wish I could explain it. Nothing can compare."


I found joy again. It's the best feeling in the whole world, even if it can't be forever.

Stupid.

Stupid girl,
traditional broken heart,
LOST LOVE.
           Your stupidity stumps me.
           Utilizing your stupid, sly tactics,
You stupefied this stupid fucking soul.

Myself, so stupid.
Starting to summarize my stupid existence,
into a stupid surreal setting,
                               sleeping sound, Dreaming Sweetly,
           on some stupid silent island.

Our stupid crooked hearts,
beating smooth echoes across our stupid secret sanctuary,
staying satisfied with I, this stupid stump of matter.
You laying on my stupid chest,
   Stupid arms surrounding this body:
                     Your Being.


In stupid paradise,
late in some stupid hour,
                    just staring, stupid,
                             rooted,
                    watching you exhale.


"Stupid is as stupid does."


                         "Stupid will always be as stupid was."


Senseless stupid fantasy,
stupid stained stone throne,
supporting your stupid flesh,
saying your stupid story,
stupid ears, listening.
        Saying stupid goodbyes,
        Starting stupid plans
       about staying side-by-side,
Us both forgetting about your stupid HOPE.
       Stumbling inside stupid stupor,
       STUPID, STUCK.

Stupid images of stupid Eden,
       in my head.
Stupid self-righteous walls and ceilings,
submerged in stupid sticky blood.

YOUR STUPID FACE,
  stuck in space,
that STUPID FACE orbiting my stupid mind.
Sitting stupidly still synchronizing two destinies.

Seven stupid years into your stupid fucking marriage,
sex with some stupid someone
Saying 1-4-3,
    to someone you don't hardly know.
Stupid me,
                   stupid suicide.


So stupid,
     stupidly seeing you slip,
     through my stupid fingers.
SUCH STUPID LOVE CANNOT EXIST FOR STUPID ME.
                    Stupid words stupidly said.











This was written for/about me in 2008 while I was at Warren Wilson and I was getting quite ill... physically and in the head. I am the stupid girl. The seven years into marriage line is really the only bit that doesn't make sense to me still. He's a good writer, it's sad he was so mean to me. He wrote some beautifully sweet things about me, too, so I can't pretend this is all I ever heard/read. I just found it in my room and thought I'd share.

there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Happy birthday, big sister. I hope you're happy and healthy now like you were on this birthday.
I miss you so much.
And, of course, I always love you.
<3

This new layout blows cock

I'm so tired. Physically, mentally. I would say emotionally but I'm pretty sure I'm all out of those. Or they're just stuffed down low because whenever I need to or want to or try to express them, someone's telling me, "shhh," and "you need to calm down," and "it's not a big deal, there's no reason to freak out, Marissa."
I was calm until you started telling me to be quiet. And yeah, there IS reason to freak out when you won't let me finish my fucking sentence.

All I was trying to say was that I don't like people reminding me of how sick my sister was.
All I was trying to say is that I've been having bad dreams and I'm tired and it makes me that much more frustrated with my school work.
All I was trying to do was verbalize how fucking disgusting and fat and ugly I feel lately so that I don't keep internalizing it and dwelling on it and continue letting it pull me down.

Cutting me off and telling me to calm down when I'm expressing my thoughts in relation to my sister is probably the dumbest thing you can do. Yes, I raise my voice so that I can finish what I'm saying over your shushing. How dare you? How FUCKING dare you, especially when I've said at least 10 times in the last week that I'm going through a tough time with her absence right now? You probably weren't listening, or you just don't think it's that big of a deal...?
Telling me to "oh, just shut up straight A student" when I'm stressed out doesn't make anything better. It just makes me want to punch you in the fucking nose.
Rolling your eyes at me when I'm trying to tell you things that I don't tell almost anyone any more, like how horrible my body image has been for about a month (well, particularly bad for about a month. it's been generally bad for.... about a year now) and how frustrating it is to have my day-to-day life dictated by how I think my body looks... yeah fuck you for that. Rolling of the eyes, the sigh, and the, "You're NAWWWWTTTT FAT!" is a sure fire way to push me away. Telling me to calm down when I yell back, "I know I'm not! You think I don't know that? I'm not saying I AM FAT, I'm saying I SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DO and I FEEL disgusting and IT'S IN MY HEAD" (of course I never get that far in that statement due to the, "okay, okay, I know, I know, calm down) doesn't make me any less anxious or ready to get out of sweat pants and pull the blanket back off my head.
Shushing me and wrapping your arms around me, literally restraining me, when I start to cry because I'm so upset (and you're the one who pushed that over the edge to tears) will make me want to scream. If you don't fucking let me speak AND you don't let me go, I will scream.
Getting annoyed when I cry... Jeez, I'm sorry I inconvenience you so. I just have no other way to let out the SHIT festering inside of me since no.one.will.just.fucking.listen.to.me.
 And people wonder how I managed to give myself an ulcer.

Oh! Oh! And my favorite part is when I specifically say, "I cannot talk right now I have a lot of work to do," and you think that means that you can keep chewing my ear off and blowing my fucking phone/skype/facebook up. QUIT IT. Then maybe I won't bitch so much about how overwhelmed I am with school because I'll get something done for once.


I have so much studying to do and I'm getting up in less than six hours.
Fuck.



FOR THE RECORD, the "you" being addressed in this entry is a bunch of different people depending on the circumstance. Some of them apply to multiple "you"s. Just sayin, don't think too hard on who I'm yelling at via blogger because I can't yell at them in person :)

ALSO FOR THE RECORD, when I say that no one will fucking listen to me, I mean no one will really hear me. I know people listen, I never shut the fuck up. Truly hearing me, though.. different thing entirely.

Mah Boyz

In honor of Levon Helm, may he rest in peace, the kiddos from Cry Fire played The Weight at their show last night at Club Cafe. Though Nathaniel's face is constantly blocked out, you get his pretty voice. I was right by a speaker, so I apologize for the shit sound quality - usually my iPod videos are great for sound. But I thought this was cute anyway :)

PS- moma, THIS is the song I was trying to remember the name of that Zach always karaokes and changes "Fanny" to "Leslie." haha adorable

some days are better, and then some nights are worse

Today would have been 3 years.
My lower abdomen is causing me excruciating pain right now.
I haven't been able to stop crying since I got up.
All of these statements are completely unrelated.
I hate today.

I would vomit up my life if I could.

Fall of '82

I do relate to you in so many ways,

but I didn't go through what you must have in those early days.

You had to be strong at such a very young age.

A new life on lemonade.

So, won't you listen to me now?

There's something I never told you,

and I'm about to try.

See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding.

You moved back in with us in the [summer of '08].

I fell into dark times, and you were there to help me through.

You told me that a downturn would eventually improve,

and you were right, so I'm thanking you.

So, won't you listen to me now?

There's something I never told you,

and I'm about to try.

See, you were my lifeline when the world was exploding,

footholds eroding.

Had you never been my friend,

I wouldn't be quite what you see;

I wouldn't be the [wo]man I am.

Sister, you've known me

lost in a strange world.

What has it shown me?

What has it gone through?

Sister, you've known me.

Been lost in a strange world,

but has it shown me?

What has it gone through?

October chill in that old dusty town.

Halloween came, I was still feeling down.

Mama, lost my sweet tooth, what's the point in going 'round?

Your [girl] is losing count,

maybe try the lost and found.

Sad Day For Austinites

Rest in Peace, Leslie.

Austin is a hell of a lot less weird without you in it.

Does it break my heart, of course, every minute of every day

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."

It just occurred to me that my moma is in Texas during NEDAwareness week. And it fucking breaks my heart. I wish I could be with you, moma. I wish you didn't have to be in that awful place. But more so, I wish I could be with you.

I think I'm going to nix the article I was supposed to write for the Communique this week and let K. Copes write it instead. I'm going to write an ED piece. A NEDAwareness Week piece. It would've been better if I'd written it last week so it'd come out in this week's paper, but I don't give a fuck.
I messed up and didn't write the ED Awareness/Prevention event article because I missed the damn event, and I will not let this slide.
Facebook is not sufficient for spreading awareness. Not for me - not FROM me.
I'm pretty sure that at this point, everyone (except Katie H. and Becca D.) just glosses over my constant sharing and resharing of ED Awareness or body dysmorphic awareness/prevention articles and links on facebook anyway. I've become THAT girl whose "news" links you just ignore with a slight eye roll.
Well, fuck facebook. I should be doing more.
I, of all people, should be doing more.
I, of all students on this campus, should be shouting from the fucking rooftops (a surprisingly easy task, if I wanted to literally do it).
I have to.
I feel like I've been so lazy, so dormant, so uninvolved in advocacy and fighting in the honor of my sister and my friends and my family and myself.. I actually feel really guilty about this.
Fuck.

I wish I could be with you this week, moma.


I have an article to write.

the stars, they crowned us all misfits

I don't know why I felt compelled to write. I really have nothing to say. I've been staring at this open, blank "New Post" for a little while now, singing along to my iTunes waiting for it to inspire some train of thought to jump on. Nothing. So I guess I'll go with my most uncomfortable topic. Always a good idea, right?

Something over the last two, two and a half weeks has changed me. I can't tell you what, not because I don't want to but because I really don't know. I can't tell you how or why, I just know that something has shaken me hard, rocked me all the way down to my core and back out again. I don't think it's a good change, either. I feel like I'm falling backwards. I always say I feel so alone, and I was saying that a lot last week when I thought I was losing my mind. That's not exactly how I feel I've come to realize. I don't feel separated or disconnected from others, I feel separated and disconnected from myself. It's an atrocious feeling. It makes me kind of want to vomit. It's also extremely tiring.

That's as far as I feel like delving into it publicly. Plus, I've got class in an hour and I can't be all emotional and up in my head from unraveling all my neurosis right now.

In other news, I still have no friends further than being facebook friends with people I've met and spent time around once or twice, and still there is no conversation going on. Ironically, the only person who has been able to make me feel even remotely human or normal since I've started to lose touch with reality is Dan, and we are solely cyber friends. Currently, the part of my day I enjoy the most is the hunt for the best picture I can get for an instagram February photo challenge that Dan got me into. I've been posting two pictures a day usually; if I find the perfect something for the day's theme too early, then I get sad because there's nothing left to look forward to. This is how pathetic my life is.
But still, thank you, Dan, for making me feel like a real person on a daily basis, and even better - for making me smile. It's gotten to the point where there's no guarantee that even Jessica can get a smile out of me (though she usually does), and that's truly saying something.


I'm either freezing my ass off or burning up and sweating constantly now. There has not been a comfortable in between, or just a plain old in between, for two weeks straight. I'm currently freezing my ass off, and the temperature's rapidly dropping outside. Time for more layers and class.

I hate myself a little bit every time I make a random, pointless entry like this.

this.

You walk on to a new sound an old song that you just found
It still hurts, but it helps out with the change that you couldn’t
know about
Fire red to powder blue this stone inside of you
Is neither hot nor cold, but it is heavy and too damn old

She dreams feathers and her blazing guns
The myth it’s worth fighting for all along
He stares because he knows
There’s something that he’s lost or maybe just forgot
But either way it’s gone