Sunday, February 27, 2011

between us

my arch-nemesis is creeping its way back into my thoughts; into my life.
what's frightening is that I'm not frightened by it. at all.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

where did you come from and where will you go

I'm experiencing my first heroin craving in over two years.
I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

All I did was take an Aveeno bath with the hopes of relieving some of the insane itching fits I've had at night lately, and mostly just to relax (and a little bit to piss off my roommate by making a mess of the bathtub).
I'm always veiny when I get out of a hot bath. It's fascinating to me; I find the extent to which my veins protrude interesting and I like how when I hold very still, I can see my pulse under my skin. But it never gives me cravings anymore, and if it makes me even think of drugs it's not even for a split second - it's less than a fleeting thought.
But tonight, I was drying off my legs, and I noticed an extremely fat vein around the inside knob of my ankle. EXTREMELY fat. I've never noticed that one before.
I poked it. I felt the pulsing blood for a brief moment. I thought, "I remember always trying to get that vein..." I straightened up quickly when I felt the oncoming rush of thoughts.
But this time, I couldn't stop them. They flooded my brain and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop it before it happened because I knew what was coming; even after years, I know the lead up.
It hits so hard and then it's all that occupies my mind; I'm either wrapped up in the actual feeling of craving, or I'm so distraught trying to dispel the horrifying feeling.
Either way, it consumes my mind and I can't make it go away and I'm trying to make it go away and I just want it to go away and I'm grinding my teeth so hard my jaw hurts and I'm about to scream.

I hate the person I've become.

Friday, February 18, 2011

now vicariously I have her in me

Michelle wondered aloud yesterday if I may be depressed citing a handful of typical symptoms/reasons..
my restless nights,
my wanting to sleep all the time,
my best friend (mom) being gone,
my general disinterest in life,
my general sadness,
my disinterest in being around people or even speaking to them,
my anger and irritability,
and (my favorite, since she says this every single time I see her whether I'm "depressed" or not)
my refusal to take care of myself, mostly through my refusal to eat.

I don't know.
Maybe I am "depressed."

Maybe I'm just so stressed my brain has shut off in order to keep me from going into panic attack mode 24/7.
Maybe I'm incapable of getting a good night's sleep because I'm stressed.
Maybe I just really enjoy sleeping and I always have.
Or who knows? Maybe I'm just fucking tired.

Maybe I'm angry because I sleep through class too often.

Maybe I'm sad because my boyfriend ignores me for two days straight then blames it on not being near his phone to hear the beeping or see the little blinking light (fucking bulllllllshit).

Maybe I'm irritated because my roommate wakes me up at 5 a.m. with incredibly annoying mid-90s club-techno music that she ironically turns down or completely off when I finally decide to get up at 7, or the fact that she gets goddamn powdered sugar all over my clean dishes and uses the sponge for dishes on the fucking bathtub (which never gets clean anyway).

Maybe I'm sad that my dad thinks smoking a lot of weed (instead of taking his goddamn antidepressants) will make it okay, when really it just makes depression worse.
Maybe it makes me angry that mother & I are constantly stressing the fuck out over money and dad fills prescriptions that he doesn't even take when we don't have health insurance to help pay for unused medications, then spends more money on pot.
Maybe it just irritates me that he tries to hide his smoking.
Maybe I'm sad because my dad is so miserable and I can't help at all (not "fix it" - just help) because he won't talk to me about anything that matters.

Maybe I'm irritable and angry because I can't smoke pot.
And I really liked smoking pot.

Maybe I'm angry that I never got paid by my supposed "job" last semester, and I am probably going to lose so-called "job" because I refused to go to "tutor training" last night.

Maybe I'm sad because I do miss my mother and I know she's sad and lonely and I wish we were together so that neither of us would be sad or lonely, or at least we wouldn't be lonely.

Maybe I'm sad because my sister is dead.

Maybe I'm so incapable of putting on a happy face because I'm never in the here & now, I'm constantly in my head with Kelsey.

Maybe I have a disinterest in seeing people because I have no one I want to see, and maybe I'm uninterested in speaking to people because I'm constantly surrounded by fucking moronic, hypocritical, rich, snobby Christians.

Maybe I get a thrill out of spending hours on my photobucket looking at people I don't know who seem just as frustrated with life as I am.
Maybe I get a thrill out of applying to colleges far, far away from here because it brings me that much closer to freedom.

Maybe I feel guilty that I take so much pleasure in talking about leaving and working on leaving because it upsets the only person I do spend time with (Jacob).
Maybe I'm angry because he makes me feel guilty about feeling excitement, like he makes me feel guilty for wanting to see/seeing the only other person I spend time with here (Kellyn) because she DOESN'T make me feel guilty about wanting to leave; she's excited for me and encourages me and likes me to talk about it.

Maybe I'm irritated by hearing someone tell me that I don't take care of myself and I don't eat because it's total bullshit and if it were true then I WOULDN'T FUCKING BE ALIVE AND HEALTHY.. I'd be sickly and skinny.
...or I'd be the dead one instead of Kelsey.

Maybe I'm irritated because I spend so much goddamn money on "taking care of myself" because my fucking nutritionist gives me a grocery list every time I see her even though I just fucking went to the store AND just bought more school books AND just spent ungodly amounts of money on psychotropics.

Maybe I'm angry because I tell my nutritionist that spending money gives me bad anxiety so she sends me on a shopping trip and tells me to report back to her how anxiety-inducing it was to buy the stuff.

Maybe I feel really guilty because I try so fucking hard to only buy the essentials (food, medicine, school shit, gas when absolutely necessary) and I still spend so much money and only make things worse for my mother who is getting migraines and staying awake at night worrying about money.

Maybe I think too much.

I. Don't. Fucking. Know.

Maybe I am "depressed."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday

I feel so alone. So miserable. So, so, unfuckingbelievably alone. Dad does too, I'm sure, but we don't talk about it... that's not something we've ever been able to talk about, throughout all the progress in communicating we've made.
Jacob doesn't get it... he just doesn't want to hear it. Why should I feel alone? He's always there for me. I've got him, and that's all that matters [t0 him]. But what he doesn't get is that his insistence on always being there is not helpful.. at all. It's conditional, as much as he'd like to pretend otherwise, it is. He is hurt when I say I feel desperately alone and like I have no one to talk to, but when I do tell him everything on my mind, he gets distant and sad and won't talk to me. Not that I need him to say anything -- really, I prefer he not speak, just listen and console me and coddle me. But he gets upset, and that makes me feel guilty, so I recoil and hold it all in, and then he gets mad because I'm not telling him things, and the cycle continues.
I've got Kellyn, my sole confidant in Austin, and I must express my deep appreciation for her friendship; I truly feel less alone when I get to talk to her or spend time with her. Unfortunately, when I leave Kellyn's presence, I feel good for a little while, then I get even more upset than I was before. Because I realize that we have FINALLY reconnected; we have finally gotten our friendship where it should be: healthy. And now I'm about to leave it. And I don't know if I'll find a friend like that ever again.

Still, in spite of Kellyn, in spite of Jacob, I am so alone in this hell.

I miss Kyle G.
I miss the Fariss brothers.
I miss my dogs.
I miss my mother.
I miss my sister.

I feel trapped, alone, in a dark, dank hole, and I [literally] can't breathe.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

on our way back home

Kind of how I'm feeling nowaday.
Plus newly developed eczema, bloating & cramping, and the occasional puke.
Other than that, I've missed two classes this week, I miss my momy, and this coming ice age shit has left my skin so dry it bleeds when I come back from smoking a cigarette, so all is pretty normal.
I need a break. And things just started.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


My horoscope for February 1st:

"Your life has been whizzing along like a well-oiled machine lately, but things are probably going to start to throttle down today. So if you feel less inspired to take on new projects (or even maintain current ones), don't be surprised. Your body and mind are moving into self-preservation mode ... whether you want to or not, they're forcing you to slow down and take things more slowly. If friends are concerned about an increase in apathy, assure them that it's just a phase."

I think I'm the one who needs convincing that this is just a phase.
This is just a phase.
This is just a phase.

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

Considering the cold front that came through early today, walking class has been cancelled for the week. That leaves me with no class until 2:30 PM today or Thursday.
I stayed out til about 10 last night with Kellyn and her beau, Dustin, then went straight to sleep upon returning to my room.. I didn't even brush my teeth.
I had my alarms on my phone set for 9:18, 9:33, and 10, but I woke up on my own in the 8 o'clock hour.
I drifted back to sleep between alarms and Lizi's godforsaken Christian music. Why she wasn't in class, I'm not sure, but I wish she had been.
I obviously didn't need to be in bed or sleeping anymore, but every time I left my eyes open, I'd start crying. So I forced myself to continue drifting until almost 10:30 when Jacob started texting me.
I laid flat, weeping for a little, then I decided that I needed all of the four hours I had until class to get up and ready if I was in such a condition.
I sat up. I cried. I felt like if I moved from my bed, it was going to be the death of me.
I looked around me. A shitty apple from the cafeteria on my dirty window sill, my Steelers lamp still on from last night, a candy wrapper beneath my water bottle. Dust.. so much dust in this room.
I felt disgusting, like I was lying in my filth, but I couldn't get myself out of it, either. This went on for about ten more minutes until I finally stood up and got my medicine from its box, but I immediately felt relief upon sitting back down on my bed.
I didn't know I'd had any anxiety until I felt relief from it. That worried me, and I didn't move again until I needed to pee and nicotine withdrawal was finally getting to me.

I don't know what's up with me today.
I do know that I really don't want to go to a 6 PM class in this weather.
It'd be ballerific if my teacher decided she didn't want to have class at 6 PM in this weather and cancelled this week's meeting.

I've found that lately, my only comfort and escape from anything is food and sleep. I tend to want an escape from food, so sleep has been high on my priority list. Most of the time, though, I can't control it... my body knows I need an escape before my brain does, and I'm just so tired all the time. I've been requiring about 9 hours of sleep a night the last few weeks, and when I can get more, I take it.
I feel like I'm wasting my life.