I hate it here when you're gone

Thanksgiving was fine. The only times I came close to crying were when Grandma Veldman started asking mother about Eli and why dad blames him for Kelsey's death (I wanted to interrupt "I BLAME HIM, TOO, BECAUSE HE'S A DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT LYING SNAKE" but I just sat quietly and kept up my game of solitaire) and when she said Grace before dinner, adding in there "We miss Kelsey, but we know she would want us to continue like any other holiday." But I didn't actually cry until this morning. I sobbed. Hysterically. I'm alone in my dorm room like I have been since last night, and I just lost it. I got a message on facebook from someone I don't know who saw my "you look like my sister did" comment on superanorexic Ms. Teen Arizona, Sarah's photo asking if I lost my sister to an ED and how she's thinking of me. This girl & I have two mutual friends: Sarah, and a girl Lindsay that Kelsey was internet friends with. Lindsay's profile picture is still a picture of my sister. So then I started looking at pictures. And now it's noon, I've been up for two hours, and I've accomplished nothing but a bunch of online posts about how much I miss my sister. I really need to do something.. anything. I think I'll do art.

alone in my universe far from the earth

So, I have my travel permit from my probation officer to go to Pittsburgh & to Colorado in December. That's pretty exciting.. no, REALLY exciting. I can't wait for both trips!

On the other hand, Thanksgiving is in two days. This year I will not be consuming 8 mg of xanax and making a complete scene that I won't be able to remember when I wake up on the couch at midnight, but the xanax will be tempting. Grandmother will be a.) drunk on wine, b.) sobbing, or c.) both - that's the one I'm counting on. Randy will be sufficiently intoxicated but I'm not sure how his emotional state will be, or IF it will be. Father will be distant, depressed, quiet. Mother will be depressed & avoiding her depression by staying in the kitchen, fighting for counter space with my sister's cat, Tum Tum, causing more depression, and fighting for her fucking kitchen in and of itself with my grandmother. I will be... there. I'm going to be so sad, yet so confused. How am I supposed to feel? I won't be sad or scared or angry because of Kelsey's bingeing and purging, I won't be worried about my own potential to purge.. I will just be torn. Do I forget the fact that this is our first majorly celebrated holiday without my sister and enjoy the company and coziness of my remaining family? No, that's impossible because no one else will be doing that, and because I don't go a single hour without thinking about/talking about/aching over the absence of my sister. Do I let my sadness overwhelm me to the point of being another dysfunctional piece of my family sitting around, idly staring? No, I wouldn't and won't do that, it's not how I roll. I suppose this year I take on my mother's solution: keep busy as shit. And I have this feeling that I've had for a while that instead of being the massive wreck like last year, I will be clean up crew this year, trying to tend to everyone and keep things as light as possible. I'm getting nervous and I can't believe it. It's coming from nowhere. Nervous? For what? I'm not even nervous about the 2378467846 papers I have to write over the break, which I fucking should be. I just.. don't even know. Like I said, I'm torn.

As long as I am upright, I'll try to prolong the notion that future events must go on.

Five months ago, I was white-water rafting with my mom, my best friend, Niles, and his father. We were having a kickass time. I was having a kickass time in West Virginia, the place of my rebirth, with my two best friends: momy & Niles, remembering all that I learned at that place two years prior, remembering all that I love and all that is important to me.

After a car ride back to the resort filled with "oh my god, do you remember when..."s and laughter galore, I bathed and dressed quickly to go back across the road to the ski lodge for more reunion festivities. I was in a great mood. My counselor commented when I walked in wearing bright yellow jeans & a pink "Peanuts" t-shirt how I was so colorful & cute and it made her happy. In our reunion photo, that's the outfit I'm wearing. I was proud of my color coordination, but really I was just happy to be where I was with all of those people.. I've always been happy there.

After my hands went numb & swollen from drumming a couple rhythms, mother & I headed back to our hotel room. When everyone else ventured back over, Niles & I went out to a lone bench and talked until the cold wind was too ferocious to handle and we sprinted up to Sean's room, another friend of ours. We hung for a little, then Niles & I wandered off. We hung with a couple other cool cats until Niles decided to retire to his room. I stuck with the kids and went to Levin's room where a large amount of the alumni had congregated. Due to the late hour, we decided to take the party out to the parking lot. I was having so much fun, but I remember a distinct feeling of separation, like I was inside of a bubble. I had left my phone on the bench Niles & I were originally at, so when I became curious of the time and couldn't find my phone, I started getting very, very anxious. Not because I'd lost my phone, I wasn't even concerned about that. I NEEDED to know what time it was. I don't know why, but I HAD to know. I was asking everyone, freaking out mildly, until someone told me it was about midnight. I thought finding out the time would relieve my anxiety, but it didn't.. something was still weird. I did my best to put it in the back of my mind, but the effort I had to put into doing that combined with my distant, confused feeling (not to mention a very long day involving intense physical activity) made me utterly exhausted and within about fifteen minutes I said goodnight to everyone and retired to mine & mom's room. I fell asleep quickly, and I woke an hour or so later even quicker.

I needed to know what time it was with such intense anxiety at the same time that victim services were showing up at my house back in Texas to tell my dad that his daughter was dead.

I woke with a start to a State Trooper coming to tell my mother & me that her daughter and my sister, my one & only very, very best friend, was dead.

Nothing's been the same since.

It's five months, to the day, since she left us.

I didn't do it intentionally whatsoever, and I didn't realize it until a couple of hours ago, but I'm wearing the same outfit (shirt, undershirt, headscarf, & pants -the blue ones though.. it's raining and yellow pants + rain = bad news- even makeup) that I wore five months ago. I got sick to my stomach when I realized this. I want to change, but I know changing my clothes from the same ones I wore the day my sister died five months ago is not going to change the fact that she died on this day five months ago.. nothing's going to change that, and nothing's going to make me feel better about it or anything else.

I skipped my science class (where I'm supposed to be right now) today. Too tired, too depressed to sit through the disorganization & worthlessness of that class. I'm supposed to meet Jacob for lunch in fifteen minutes, but I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball under my blankets, squeeze Barnaby, the Build-a-Bear Kelsey made me during her first trip to treatment, and cry. It's cold and rainy, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my grief, guilt, and depression.

Once, in West Virginia, it was brought to my attention that the person I love the most in my life & in this world is my sister. Was my sister. No - IS my sister. I just wish I could tell her that again.

I'm not sleepy, and there is no place I'm going to.

I doubt I will write here very often, if ever.

Mom, this is solely so I can comment on your blog if I ever feel so inclined, which I don't see happening because if there's something I want to say to you, I say it to you.

So, really, I'm just incredibly bored due to a cancelled Sociology exam and my annoying inability to sleep past 7:30 A.M. in my dorm. It's Friday the 13th. That's kind of cool.

I don't want to write anything right now. Maybe later.