In New York City, mother and I went to the Tick Tock Diner for dinner Saturday May 29th, the day after what would have been Kelsey's 24th birthday. I promised her prior to the trip that I'd tell her what had been on my mind..
I left on dad's birthday and stayed at Jacob's because the parents were fighting, and since they've always been great parents when it comes to keeping their disagreements/arguments/fights behind closed doors and never in front of their children (they're definitely great parents in more ways than this, but this is the aspect that matters to this situation), I didn't know what was going on; I only felt the unexplainably heavy blanket of tension that lay over the household. The following morning, I apologized to mom for leaving & told her that I just couldn't bear the tension on top of so much other stuff being on my mind at the time.
And thus I told her all that had been on my mind that night, May 29th, at the diner.
I told her how I'd spent weeks fixating on all of the guilt I felt and subsequent blame I placed on myself for Kelsey's death. I explained in further detail, which I will not do now, and went on to explain how this constant beating my mind and conscious was giving me for almost a month had completely worn me down, how my skin was so thin, and that the night of dad's birthday consequently made me scared.. I knew and know my parents will never split. They love each other. Couples fight. People fight. It's human, it's natural, it's healthy. But it's so rare to sense anger and pain that intense between my parents that my mind immediately began to wonder what would happen if they did? What the hell would I do? I'd be completely & utterly alone. Those two, my mother & my father: they ARE my only family now, and with those thoughts on top of the Kelsey-killer thoughts, I broke. I told mother all of this and more. We talked. It was a sad, down kind of evening... Saturday night in NYC, eating dinner at a little diner then going back to our hotel to watch TV and sleep.
When we left, we walked down the street some ways, and near one of the block corners was a man with a handful of flyers waiting for passerby's such as ourselves. He readied himself as we approached.