Saturday, November 5, 2011

I wish that I knew what I know now

I started writing all of this in a comment on my mother's recent post, but when I realized how much I had begun typing and how much more I wanted to explore this line of thought, I decided to make it its own post.

I think it's important to know which makes you happier - the person, or the place? What is the bigger sacrifice? Of course, for me, it's the flip side of that. I have to ask myself what makes me more miserable - being away from the person (Jacob), or being in the shitty place (Texas)?
I like to say that I'd rather grow old alone than go back to Texas, and most of the time I believe that. But most of the time I'm not thinking about the person, just the place.
Would I really rather grow old without Jacob than go back to Texas? No. He made me happy when I was in Texas. We were happy together in Texas. He made that place bearable, livable even. I can say with confidence that I love him more than I hate Texas.
But it's not just hatred for the place, it's not just the fact that there are more desirable places to live. It's everything that ever happened in Texas, it's the ghosts that make my skin crawl, make me (literally) sick to my stomach and mind and soul that reside in Texas. I just cannot go back there permanently.
I don't honestly know which would be (or will be, I guess) more insufferable: being alone or being there. I tell myself that being there would ruin me and therefore end up ruining us, so "us" being over now is okay because in the process I'm saving myself. But I don't really know that. I don't know for sure, anyway. I know that being there would ruin me, but I don't know if being there with him would ruin me. What if I could live in that hell without going to pieces because I'd be with him? I don't know if loving him more than I hate Texas is the same thing as the power of our love being stronger than the destructive power of my past. I just don't know, I just don't know.
I do know that I'm acting like a fucking high schooler by saying that I WILL be alone forever if I'm not with him. But at 22-years-wise, that's how it feels.
I'd be willing to test all of this, find out of I'd break by giving up my preferred location, find out if our relationship is stronger than my ghosts, but I don't want to be the only one. Not only do I not want to be the only one willing to sacrifice because that's just not fair, but I don't want to be the only one willing to sacrifice because it's more than a preferred location that I'd be sacrificing - I'd potentially be giving up my sanity and my entire self.
I feel childish again for being so life or death, black or white. I know that it is possible to hold onto at least part of my sense of self and sanity in Texas, and I know that it is possible to lose myself and my mind and be utterly miserable outside of Texas.
But I know that if I were to go back for a person, for THE person, and it didn't work out for whatever reason, I would lose everything. I would lose the person, the place, and any semblance of peace of mind.
Right now I've lost him, but I still have myself. There's no guarantee that I could go there and get him back. And if I were able to get him back by going back there, then there's no guarantee that I'd be able to stay healthy. There's actually an extremely slim chance that I'd be able to stay healthy, especially considering the fact that it wasn't until I got out of Texas that I even got healthy.

I guess I've answered my own initial question...
I guess [right now] being alone is better.
No, it's just easier.
Fuck both of those words - it's not better, it's not necessarily easier, but it's safer.
That sucks.

I really thought that by getting the hell out of Texas I'd have a better chance of finding myself and growing up and getting a grip on/embracing health. I thought that by getting out of there and bettering myself, I'd be able to be a better partner to Jacob. I thought that my leaving would give each of us time to grow and come back together as stronger individuals and thus a rock solid couple.
I don't know if he's grown up any; I actually have no idea how he's doing. But I know that I am so much better than I was in Texas, so much healthier, so much more optimistic. I actually believe that the future is possible. I haven't really found myself or grown up, but I no longer rule those things out as impossibilities, and I believe I am finding myself.

I wish this growth could be beneficial to him.
It's hard to believe that we are really only possible at the cost of me.
How does that work? Is it really a "we" if there's only a part of me that exists? And is it really the case that "we" are only possible when I'm weak and lost? Could I keep what progress I've made if I went back for him? Is it a sign of strength and stability on my part to be willing to find out? Or is it a sign of weakness and fear? Is my willingness a healthy confidence in myself or a fear of the strength and power that I have the potential to possess?
Considering my tendency to self sabotage, I know that I cannot go back.

This is a strange thing. I know I should be happy and proud of myself, but I'm not. I'm sad and I feel disgustingly selfish. I think I need to be selfish now, though. Isn't that what I've been saying throughout this entire post? I need to be selfish - this is a healthy kind of selfishness. Right?



  1. Being selfish is a good medicine for right now. Later that may be different. But, for now: now is all that matters.

  2. You just need to worry about yourself right now. Throw any questions about that out the window my love. Don't look "back" yet. "Back" is still so close and I don't want you to lose everything you've accomplished. Contrary to what I just said, have a little more faith in yourself. You're so much stronger than you think. I promise. I learned that about myself recently.

    The night I received your book I had a dream with you and kelsey in it. It was nice :) I love you my beautiful missa!