Wednesday, March 3, 2010

bruises that won't heal

I've a knack for ruining all great things in my life.
Currently, I've pulled my Communications grade up from failing to a 92, and as of tomorrow morning I'll be failing again. I refuse to give a speech because I am really, really, really not okay.
Jacob brought up my not talking to him the other morning. I was on my way to get a 100 on my Communications exam, and he said in response to my not wanting to ever speak of my nightmare (this is all via text), "I understand not wanting to relive bad dreams. Plus, I've gotten used to you not talking to me."
"How do you mean?"
"I mean you need help, but you either don't want help or you don't want my help. You're going downhill, and you don't want me to help you"
"How am I going downhill?"
"You're getting high, cutting yourself, not eating, and you are pushing away the people that have helped you up to this point.."
"I DID get high, I DID cut myself, I am too eating, and who am I pushing away that has helped me? I know you think I am pushing you away, but I don't believe I am."
"I want to be there to help you, but you aren't letting me, babe."
"I don't need help. Or if I do, I don't know how or what with. If/when I do, I'll be sure to let you know."
Then he said something about fixing my vacuum.
I was fine that day, yesterday, but I'm back to wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep but only if I've taken sleeping pills because I'm afraid of my dreams.. which is why I'm not asleep right now. I have to get up real early in order to finish writing a legitimate outline for the speech I'm supposed to give so I can at least get a grade for that since I will not be giving a speech. If I do get up in front of that class, my teacher may very well kick me out of the class for what I'll say. I've been thinking about it, what I'm going to say if I decide to actually stand up under the false impression that I've pulled my shit together & will be giving my real speech, and it won't make anyone happy. Well, it won't make my professor happy, it'll make the class extremely uncomfortable.
I'm very unstable and unwell right now. I hate crying all of the time. It makes my constant headache worse (no shit, I've had a headache since January). It's late. I need to set my alarms and cry in bed as opposed to on the internet.

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