Why do we feel the need to apologize when something bad happens? I mean something bad that isn't our fault, that isn't anyone's fault.
Dr. Spencer's dead and I'm apologizing to my nutritionist, to my cousin, to Jacob for random shit that's completely unrelated to Dr. Spencer just because I feel like I've done something horribly wrong. Why? What have I done wrong in this situation? Nothing. I'm reaching out to three people that I trust to help me deal. But I feel like a burden for doing it, I guess? Maybe I want them all to tell me it's okay, that it's going to be okay? Maybe I really want to apologize to Dr. Spencer? I felt the need to apologize to Kelsey for Dr. Spencer's death (and I did so, out loud in the basement). Try and figure that one out.
My head is pounding, I'm sick to my stomach, and I'm shaking uncontrollably. Probably lack of food but I feel like I need to throw up so eating is not something I feel I can do right now. I want to go to sleep. I want to be forgiven by whatever god or greater entity that I've pissed off so badly they find it necessary to punish me by letting everything and everyone around me die. I think I can do sleep.
I haven't died. I'm still here. There's no punishment happening, I don't think. Just mystery: like why does shit like this happen to good people like Dr. Spencer and Renee? Why couldn't that jackass who shot all those people in Norway have died instead?
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