Tuesday, November 24, 2009

alone in my universe far from the earth

So, I have my travel permit from my probation officer to go to Pittsburgh & to Colorado in December. That's pretty exciting.. no, REALLY exciting. I can't wait for both trips!
On the other hand, Thanksgiving is in two days. This year I will not be consuming 8 mg of xanax and making a complete scene that I won't be able to remember when I wake up on the couch at midnight, but the xanax will be tempting. Grandmother will be a.) drunk on wine, b.) sobbing, or c.) both - that's the one I'm counting on. Randy will be sufficiently intoxicated but I'm not sure how his emotional state will be, or IF it will be. Father will be distant, depressed, quiet. Mother will be depressed & avoiding her depression by staying in the kitchen, fighting for counter space with my sister's cat, Tum Tum, causing more depression, and fighting for her fucking kitchen in and of itself with my grandmother. I will be... there. I'm going to be so sad, yet so confused. How am I supposed to feel? I won't be sad or scared or angry because of Kelsey's bingeing and purging, I won't be worried about my own potential to purge.. I will just be torn. Do I forget the fact that this is our first majorly celebrated holiday without my sister and enjoy the company and coziness of my remaining family? No, that's impossible because no one else will be doing that, and because I don't go a single hour without thinking about/talking about/aching over the absence of my sister. Do I let my sadness overwhelm me to the point of being another dysfunctional piece of my family sitting around, idly staring? No, I wouldn't and won't do that, it's not how I roll. I suppose this year I take on my mother's solution: keep busy as shit. And I have this feeling that I've had for a while that instead of being the massive wreck like last year, I will be clean up crew this year, trying to tend to everyone and keep things as light as possible. I'm getting nervous and I can't believe it. It's coming from nowhere. Nervous? For what? I'm not even nervous about the 2378467846 papers I have to write over the break, which I fucking should be. I just.. don't even know. Like I said, I'm torn.

No comments:

Post a Comment