Friday, November 20, 2009

As long as I am upright, I'll try to prolong the notion that future events must go on.

Five months ago, I was white-water rafting with my mom, my best friend, Niles, and his father. We were having a kickass time. I was having a kickass time in West Virginia, the place of my rebirth, with my two best friends: momy & Niles, remembering all that I learned at that place two years prior, remembering all that I love and all that is important to me.
After a car ride back to the resort filled with "oh my god, do you remember when..."s and laughter galore, I bathed and dressed quickly to go back across the road to the ski lodge for more reunion festivities. I was in a great mood. My counselor commented when I walked in wearing bright yellow jeans & a pink "Peanuts" t-shirt how I was so colorful & cute and it made her happy. In our reunion photo, that's the outfit I'm wearing. I was proud of my color coordination, but really I was just happy to be where I was with all of those people.. I've always been happy there.
After my hands went numb & swollen from drumming a couple rhythms, mother & I headed back to our hotel room. When everyone else ventured back over, Niles & I went out to a lone bench and talked until the cold wind was too ferocious to handle and we sprinted up to Sean's room, another friend of ours. We hung for a little, then Niles & I wandered off. We hung with a couple other cool cats until Niles decided to retire to his room. I stuck with the kids and went to Levin's room where a large amount of the alumni had congregated. Due to the late hour, we decided to take the party out to the parking lot. I was having so much fun, but I remember a distinct feeling of separation, like I was inside of a bubble. I had left my phone on the bench Niles & I were originally at, so when I became curious of the time and couldn't find my phone, I started getting very, very anxious. Not because I'd lost my phone, I wasn't even concerned about that. I NEEDED to know what time it was. I don't know why, but I HAD to know. I was asking everyone, freaking out mildly, until someone told me it was about midnight. I thought finding out the time would relieve my anxiety, but it didn't.. something was still weird. I did my best to put it in the back of my mind, but the effort I had to put into doing that combined with my distant, confused feeling (not to mention a very long day involving intense physical activity) made me utterly exhausted and within about fifteen minutes I said goodnight to everyone and retired to mine & mom's room. I fell asleep quickly, and I woke an hour or so later even quicker.
I needed to know what time it was with such intense anxiety at the same time that victim services were showing up at my house back in Texas to tell my dad that his daughter was dead.
I woke with a start to a State Trooper coming to tell my mother & me that her daughter and my sister, my one & only very, very best friend, was dead.

Nothing's been the same since.
It's five months, to the day, since she left us.
I didn't do it intentionally whatsoever, and I didn't realize it until a couple of hours ago, but I'm wearing the same outfit (shirt, undershirt, headscarf, & pants -the blue ones though.. it's raining and yellow pants + rain = bad news- even makeup) that I wore five months ago. I got sick to my stomach when I realized this. I want to change, but I know changing my clothes from the same ones I wore the day my sister died five months ago is not going to change the fact that she died on this day five months ago.. nothing's going to change that, and nothing's going to make me feel better about it or anything else.

I skipped my science class (where I'm supposed to be right now) today. Too tired, too depressed to sit through the disorganization & worthlessness of that class. I'm supposed to meet Jacob for lunch in fifteen minutes, but I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball under my blankets, squeeze Barnaby, the Build-a-Bear Kelsey made me during her first trip to treatment, and cry. It's cold and rainy, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my grief, guilt, and depression.

Once, in West Virginia, it was brought to my attention that the person I love the most in my life & in this world is my sister. Was my sister. No - IS my sister. I just wish I could tell her that again.

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