Monday, November 15, 2010

It's hard to remember to live before you die

I'm unequivocally depressed right now.
Depressed isn't the right word.
I feel ephemeral tonight. Quickly disappearing; transient.
I don't know why.
I felt awkward, for lack of a better word, and entirely alone, so I got some homework together and went to the cafeteria for dinner. But I could barely eat or get any homework done.
I was just.. dazed. In a noisy, crowded place, all I could hear was muffled conversation and laughter; I couldn't make out words even for eavesdropping entertainment.
I felt entirely disconnected -- I was not in that cafeteria with all those people, I was in a cloud.. I was surrounded by fog, blurred, invisible, disconnected.
I left. I've been slow to move ever since.
I've been wanting to -- no, NEEDING to cry, but I'm emotionless. I can feel an internal ache, but my affect is totally flat.. it's just vanished.
I stand in one place, staring, empty-minded, for minutes at a time without realizing it. I snap out of it due to my upstairs neighbors stomping or some cunts being loud in the hall/stairway, and then I'm just confused.. What am I doing? Why am I standing here? What am I supposed to be doing? What was I just thinking?
I would think I'm losing my mind, but I don't feel crazy...

I don't feel anything.

"My hell comes from inside - comes from inside myself.
Why fight this?"

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