It's hard to remember to live before you die

I'm unequivocally depressed right now.

Depressed isn't the right word.

I feel ephemeral tonight. Quickly disappearing; transient.

I don't know why.

I felt awkward, for lack of a better word, and entirely alone, so I got some homework together and went to the cafeteria for dinner. But I could barely eat or get any homework done.

I was just.. dazed. In a noisy, crowded place, all I could hear was muffled conversation and laughter; I couldn't make out words even for eavesdropping entertainment.

I felt entirely disconnected -- I was not in that cafeteria with all those people, I was in a cloud.. I was surrounded by fog, blurred, invisible, disconnected.

I left. I've been slow to move ever since.

I've been wanting to -- no, NEEDING to cry, but I'm emotionless. I can feel an internal ache, but my affect is totally flat.. it's just vanished.

I stand in one place, staring, empty-minded, for minutes at a time without realizing it. I snap out of it due to my upstairs neighbors stomping or some cunts being loud in the hall/stairway, and then I'm just confused.. What am I doing? Why am I standing here? What am I supposed to be doing? What was I just thinking?

I would think I'm losing my mind, but I don't feel crazy...

I don't feel anything.

"My hell comes from inside - comes from inside myself.

Why fight this?"