Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

Considering the cold front that came through early today, walking class has been cancelled for the week. That leaves me with no class until 2:30 PM today or Thursday.
I stayed out til about 10 last night with Kellyn and her beau, Dustin, then went straight to sleep upon returning to my room.. I didn't even brush my teeth.
I had my alarms on my phone set for 9:18, 9:33, and 10, but I woke up on my own in the 8 o'clock hour.
I drifted back to sleep between alarms and Lizi's godforsaken Christian music. Why she wasn't in class, I'm not sure, but I wish she had been.
I obviously didn't need to be in bed or sleeping anymore, but every time I left my eyes open, I'd start crying. So I forced myself to continue drifting until almost 10:30 when Jacob started texting me.
I laid flat, weeping for a little, then I decided that I needed all of the four hours I had until class to get up and ready if I was in such a condition.
I sat up. I cried. I felt like if I moved from my bed, it was going to be the death of me.
I looked around me. A shitty apple from the cafeteria on my dirty window sill, my Steelers lamp still on from last night, a candy wrapper beneath my water bottle. Dust.. so much dust in this room.
I felt disgusting, like I was lying in my filth, but I couldn't get myself out of it, either. This went on for about ten more minutes until I finally stood up and got my medicine from its box, but I immediately felt relief upon sitting back down on my bed.
I didn't know I'd had any anxiety until I felt relief from it. That worried me, and I didn't move again until I needed to pee and nicotine withdrawal was finally getting to me.

I don't know what's up with me today.
I do know that I really don't want to go to a 6 PM class in this weather.
It'd be ballerific if my teacher decided she didn't want to have class at 6 PM in this weather and cancelled this week's meeting.

I've found that lately, my only comfort and escape from anything is food and sleep. I tend to want an escape from food, so sleep has been high on my priority list. Most of the time, though, I can't control it... my body knows I need an escape before my brain does, and I'm just so tired all the time. I've been requiring about 9 hours of sleep a night the last few weeks, and when I can get more, I take it.
I feel like I'm wasting my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment