Sunday, February 20, 2011

where did you come from and where will you go

I'm experiencing my first heroin craving in over two years.
I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

All I did was take an Aveeno bath with the hopes of relieving some of the insane itching fits I've had at night lately, and mostly just to relax (and a little bit to piss off my roommate by making a mess of the bathtub).
I'm always veiny when I get out of a hot bath. It's fascinating to me; I find the extent to which my veins protrude interesting and I like how when I hold very still, I can see my pulse under my skin. But it never gives me cravings anymore, and if it makes me even think of drugs it's not even for a split second - it's less than a fleeting thought.
But tonight, I was drying off my legs, and I noticed an extremely fat vein around the inside knob of my ankle. EXTREMELY fat. I've never noticed that one before.
I poked it. I felt the pulsing blood for a brief moment. I thought, "I remember always trying to get that vein..." I straightened up quickly when I felt the oncoming rush of thoughts.
But this time, I couldn't stop them. They flooded my brain and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop it before it happened because I knew what was coming; even after years, I know the lead up.
It hits so hard and then it's all that occupies my mind; I'm either wrapped up in the actual feeling of craving, or I'm so distraught trying to dispel the horrifying feeling.
Either way, it consumes my mind and I can't make it go away and I'm trying to make it go away and I just want it to go away and I'm grinding my teeth so hard my jaw hurts and I'm about to scream.

I hate the person I've become.

1 comment:

  1. I love the person you were then - yes, even then - and particularly the person you are now. You are pretty strong to beat your addiction. Think of all the people who cannot. There will probably always be days when you feel the craving, I am sorry to say.