where did you come from and where will you go

I'm experiencing my first heroin craving in over two years.

I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

All I did was take an Aveeno bath with the hopes of relieving some of the insane itching fits I've had at night lately, and mostly just to relax (and a little bit to piss off my roommate by making a mess of the bathtub).

I'm always veiny when I get out of a hot bath. It's fascinating to me; I find the extent to which my veins protrude interesting and I like how when I hold very still, I can see my pulse under my skin. But it never gives me cravings anymore, and if it makes me even think of drugs it's not even for a split second - it's less than a fleeting thought.

But tonight, I was drying off my legs, and I noticed an extremely fat vein around the inside knob of my ankle. EXTREMELY fat. I've never noticed that one before.

I poked it. I felt the pulsing blood for a brief moment. I thought, "I remember always trying to get that vein..." I straightened up quickly when I felt the oncoming rush of thoughts.

But this time, I couldn't stop them. They flooded my brain and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop it before it happened because I knew what was coming; even after years, I know the lead up.

It hits so hard and then it's all that occupies my mind; I'm either wrapped up in the actual feeling of craving, or I'm so distraught trying to dispel the horrifying feeling.

Either way, it consumes my mind and I can't make it go away and I'm trying to make it go away and I just want it to go away and I'm grinding my teeth so hard my jaw hurts and I'm about to scream.

I hate the person I've become.