Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday

I feel so alone. So miserable. So, so, unfuckingbelievably alone. Dad does too, I'm sure, but we don't talk about it... that's not something we've ever been able to talk about, throughout all the progress in communicating we've made.
Jacob doesn't get it... he just doesn't want to hear it. Why should I feel alone? He's always there for me. I've got him, and that's all that matters [t0 him]. But what he doesn't get is that his insistence on always being there is not helpful.. at all. It's conditional, as much as he'd like to pretend otherwise, it is. He is hurt when I say I feel desperately alone and like I have no one to talk to, but when I do tell him everything on my mind, he gets distant and sad and won't talk to me. Not that I need him to say anything -- really, I prefer he not speak, just listen and console me and coddle me. But he gets upset, and that makes me feel guilty, so I recoil and hold it all in, and then he gets mad because I'm not telling him things, and the cycle continues.
I've got Kellyn, my sole confidant in Austin, and I must express my deep appreciation for her friendship; I truly feel less alone when I get to talk to her or spend time with her. Unfortunately, when I leave Kellyn's presence, I feel good for a little while, then I get even more upset than I was before. Because I realize that we have FINALLY reconnected; we have finally gotten our friendship where it should be: healthy. And now I'm about to leave it. And I don't know if I'll find a friend like that ever again.

Still, in spite of Kellyn, in spite of Jacob, I am so alone in this hell.

I miss Kyle G.
I miss the Fariss brothers.
I miss my dogs.
I miss my mother.
I miss my sister.

I feel trapped, alone, in a dark, dank hole, and I [literally] can't breathe.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. I'm here for any of your needs, even though I'm 4 hours away. <3 <3 <3