Saturday, March 19, 2011

it kills me to tear us apart...

I had the saddest, most meaningful and helpful and honest conversation with my father tonight.
I cried so much.

I've been at Jacob's for almost two hours and he's been asleep the whole time.
I was sitting up on his bed crying for about 45 minutes.

I miss my sister.

I hate spring time.

New life.
Season of love and procreation and blah blah blah.
Fuck it all. I hate it all.

My dad found me in the kitchen, waiting for my Amy's Brown Rice & Vegetables Bowl dinner to finish heating in the microwave, drinking a Lone Star 16 oz at 11:00-ish the other night and laughed, "Marissa!  Lone Star beer? I didn't know you were drinking..... this." I thought he was going to be mad at me. But he just smiled, laughed, and shook his head slightly.. at my drink of choice, not the fact that I was drinking at all.
I like this honesty we have between us now.

I still don't like this time of year.

How is it that the most comforting thing that's been said to me while I've been sobbing over the last 5.5 hours came via text message from a guy I barely know who I've only hung out with once [outside of class] and is in Padre?
What kind of back-ass-wards nonsense is it that the people who know the least are the best at making me smile in my darkest states?

Jacob just stirred.
I should get in bed.

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